Creamed
February 8th, 2021
Starring: Marlon (male, 30-40), Khalil (male, 30-40)
A bar, late afternoon on a weekday. Marlon sits at a table for two, sipping from a clear drink. He has an occasional bar nut. Khalil walks in, joining him straight at the table:
MARLON
About time.
KHALIL
You called at peak rush hour, you’d have to expect this.
What’s the clear stuff?
MARLON
Club soda.
KHALIL
No hard stuff?
MARLON
I wish, but I drove.
KHALIL
So why are we at a bar?
MARLON
I needed to have a bar talk.
...
What, some talks are meant for bars.
KHALIL
Fine, we’re at a bar and we’re talking. What’s next?
MARLON
Spiegel died.
KHALIL
Spiegel...
Marlon nods solemnly.
KHALIL
College improv Spiegel?
Marlon nods again.
KHALIL
Shit. How?
MARLON
Didn’t say.
KHALIL
Man, he was a good egg.
How’d you know?
MARLON
His girlfriend/partner person posted on Instagram.
KHALIL
An Instagram obituary…?
MARLON
Hugo forwarded me the link, that’s all I know.
KHALIL
Was there a funeral?
MARLON
Last weekend.
KHALIL
So I missed it. Great.
MARLON
It was in Vancouver, I did too.
…
KHALIL
So what were you gonna do?
I’d be happy to go in on a flower bouquet, or something—
MARLON
I got a box from him.
KHALIL
Who?
MARLON
Spiegel.
KHALIL
Spiegel sent you a box?
MARLON
Yes.
KHALIL
From the great beyond?
MARLON
From his estate. The executor sent it to my address.
KHALIL
And you opened it…?
MARLON
Yes…
KHALIL
And you’re not going to leave me hanging and tell me what it is…?
MARLON
It was a big refrigerator box. Most of it was packing peanuts.
And all the way at the bottom, there was a gallon ziploc bag filled with what I can only assume are his ashes.
…
KHALIL
God damn. He just sent you his ashes.
What a legend.
MARLON
There was a note taped to the bag.
“Something fun.”
KHALIL
Which means—
MARLON
I don’t know what it means—
KHALIL
Of course you do. He’s entrusted us to send him off.
MARLON
Us—?
KHALIL
Yes us. You need ideas, why else would you call me?
…
MARLON
Fine. Let’s hear ‘em.
KHALIL
Well...we could put him in an urn—
MARLON
That’s exactly what he doesn’t—
KHALIL
Let me finish.
We put him in an urn, then we drop the urn from a third story apartment onto a city street and see how people react. You know, make a social experiment out of it.
MARLON
He’d like that. But it’s more manipulative than fun…
What if we strapped the bag into a roller coaster and left the bag slightly open, so when it went upside down, everything dumped out?
KHALIL
Not bad. Can’t really control it though.
What if we ran onto a baseball field mid-game and poured it in the infield dirt?
MARLON
He wouldn’t want us arrested.
KHALIL
How about...piñata filling at a birthday party—?
MARLON
Snowglobe glitter—?
KHALIL
Civil War reenactment cannonball—?
MARLON
Brisket dry rub—?
KHALIL
Smoking him in a blunt?
…
MARLON/KHALIL
No...
MARLON
This is hard. I don’t want to pick a dishonorable thing—
KHALIL
We’ll get it. We just have to think.
…
Or. Or maybe we don’t. Maybe we’ve been overthinking.
...
What was Spiegel’s thing? Like what was he best at?
MARLON
Chugging 40s?
KHALIL
Ok but, comedically. What could he do better than anyone?
…
MARLON
Oh
He was—
KHALIL
Yep.
So if we want to honor him—
MARLON
We’ll just have to pun it.
They look at eachother, having the answer in the same moment:
Cut to Marlon’s car, pulling off the interstate and driving to the end of a long dirt road. The car stops along a barbed wire fence. On the other side is a pasture full of cows. Next to the fence is a large wooden sign that reads “T&T Dairy. No Trespassing!”
Marlon and Khalil jump out of the car, surveying their surroundings. Khalil cradles Spiegel’s ziploc of ashes.
MARLON
You sure?
KHALIL
It has to be.
MARLON
But are you—
KHALIL (Reading from his phone:)
“T&T Dairy is a proud milk supplier to the Blue Bunny brand’s full line of iced and frozen treats.”
Yep. This is it.
MARLON
Can you do it?
KHALIL
No. He sent it to you, it has to be you.
Marlon looks at Khalil and nods. Khalil hands him Spiegel’s ashes. Marlon steps up to the barbed wire, opens the ziploc, and dumps the ashes on the other side of the fence.
A minute passes. One cow notices and walks over. It sniffs the ashes, and miraculously, eats some with a wad of grass. Other cows follow suit. Soon enough, the entire group has grazed on some of Spiegel’s ashes. Marlon grins ear-to-ear. Khalil wipes away a tear.
MARLON
Yeah.
It’s perfect.
KHALIL
You got your wish Spiegel ol’ pal.
You’re gonna be cream-ated.