Off-Season
January 6th, 2021
Starring: Sugar & Spice
The kitchen, after dinner. Spice’s head is stuffed inside a cabinet. Sugar comes in from the other room, holding a large fruit, placing it on the table. The exterior looks...questionable.
SUGAR
Don’t poke in there. I have dessert.
SPICE
...fruit?
SUGAR
New year, natural sugars. Processed sugars have been shown the door. Had to be done.
SPICE
That fruit is ill. It needs to be tucked in bed with two Ibuprofen and a hot water bottle.
SUGAR
It was all they had at the store.
SPICE
You couldn’t find anything healthier-looking?
SUGAR
It’s the off-season. By the time all the fresh stuff gets here from California or Ecuador or wherever, it’s going to be subpar.
SPICE
You still bought it.
SUGAR
This is the plan. It’s not my fault.
SPICE
It’s not my fault I don’t want to eat fruit that looks like Freddy Krueger.
SUGAR
I got it, we’re having it. And luckily, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Sugar cuts open the fruit. Not pretty.
SPICE
Yeah no that’s not it.
SUGAR
Try it.
SPICE
It’s somehow worse now—
SUGAR
Try it.
SPICE
Haunting my dreams—
SUGAR
One piece. For me.
They both try a piece. Spice almost spits it out. Sugar chews.
SUGAR
Ok.
It’s not that bad.
Really.
There’s some sweetness.
Texture could be better, but not horrible.
Yeah.
It’s really not that bad.
SPICE
I cannot believe you’re trying to talk yourself into believing this fine.
SUGAR
No good?
SPICE
That was eating pure slander. I don’t think fruit can recover. Not without a sincere public apology and 100 hours of community service.
SUGAR
Now you’re just making me feel bad.
SPICE
Sorry. But you want us eating fruit, it should be fruit.
SUGAR
And I’m sorry that the time of year I want us to eat fruit is the worst time for eating fruit.
SPICE
Then we should wait. You know, until the season’s better.
SUGAR
It was sort of a resolution—
SPICE
Still is. We’d just be deferring it.
SUGAR
To when?
SPICE
Can we say...June?
SUGAR
June.
Sugar looks down at the sorry fruit.
SUGAR
Yeah. We can do June.
SPICE
Deal.
…
…
Did you really show processed sugar the door?
Sugar, a bit forlorn, opens another cabinet, revealing a menagerie of processed cakes, cookies, snacks. Spice opens one from its package and takes a bite:
SPICE
Mm. M-m-m.
Now that’s ripe.