Talk
February 6th, 2021
Starring: Mom (35-45), Rennie (female, 10ish), Dad (35-45)
Home, after school. Rennie sits at the kitchen counter, her backpack at her feet. Mom’s listening to a voicemail:
RENNIE
Mom?
Mom flashes a “one second” finger, finishes the message, and puts her phone down.
MOM
Yes ma’am?
RENNIE
Can I tell you a joke?
MOM
Sure…
RENNIE
What’s long and filled with cum?
Mom freezes.
MOM
What did you say?
RENNIE
What’s long and filled with cum?
…
Mom is still locked, unsure of what to say or do:
RENNIE
…
A cucumber.
MOM
Wh...uh
where did that come from?
RENNIE
This boy was saying it homeroom. He went up to every person and said it.
…
I know it’s something bad but I don’t—
MOM
Do you know what it means?
RENNIE
Like...I kind of do and kind of don’t.
MOM
What part do you get?
RENNIE
Well like
A cucumber is long. And it has the letters c-u-m in it.
...
But that’s not why it’s bad. Is it?
...
Can you tell me?
I promise I’m not gonna say it I just want to get it.
Please
…
MOM
I’m going to explain it once. As soon as you get the joke, we move on. Clear?
RENNIE
Yes.
…
MOM
Yes, a cucumber is long and has those letters in it.
But the joke is supposed to make you think it’s talking about something else.
RENNIE
Something else that is long with cum in it?
MOM
Yes. And a cucumber has a shape that resembles this thing.
RENNIE
What is the thing?
MOM
A part of the body only boys have.
RENNIE
Penis?
MOM
Uh
Yes.
A penis.
RENNIE
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok
MOM
Does that make sense?
RENNIE
Yeah.
…
What is cum though?
…
…
MOM
Um
...
Cum is a name for fluid that comes out of a penis.
RENNIE
I thought that was pee.
MOM
Both do.
RENNIE
At the same time?
MOM
Different.
...
RENNIE
Why?
MOM
Do you get the joke?
RENNIE
But why does cum come out?
MOM
Do you get the joke now?
RENNIE
Yes.
MOM
So we’re moving on.
…
RENNIE
Is this part of the sperm-egg thing?
MOM
...who told you that?!
RENNIE
Dad.
MOM
What did dad tell you?
RENNIE
Something about sperms and eggs.
MOM
Oh my god—
RENNIE
I didn’t even get it!!
MOM
It’s ok! It’s ok it’s ok, I’m not mad at you.
RENNIE
Are you mad at Dad?
MOM
No.
RENNIE
Who are you mad at?
MOM
I’m just—
You need to wait.
RENNIE
But I’m ready!
MOM
I know. But Dad and I aren’t.
…
Soon. I promise.
Rennie is visibly upset. Mom attempts to remedy:
MOM
You want a snack?
RENNIE
...yeah
Mom opens the freezer, which can’t be seen from Rennie’s seat:
RENNIE
Do we have rocket pops?
They do. Mom looks at the shape of the rocket pop on the box and pauses.
MOM
I think we ran out.
How about an ice cream bar?
RENNIE
Ok.
Mom pulls one out and places it on the counter.
RENNIE
Thanks.
Rennie takes the wrapper off the bar and hands it to Mom, then slides off her chair and scampers off somewhere. Mom takes a minute to recalibrate. She then removes the box of rocket pops from the freezer, and stuffs them into the garbage, along with the ice cream wrapper. Finally, she takes out her phone and calls Dad:
DAD
Hey you—
MOM
We need to have a talk.