War
February 13th, 2021
Starring: Paige (female, 80’s), Bernard (male, mid 60’s)
Paige’s apartment, evening. Paige and Bernard sit across from eachother at the circular dining room table. They’re digging into a nice meal of steak, potatoes, veggies, with a glass of red wine:
PAIGE
Is it rare enough?
BERNARD
Marvelous and bloody, Ma.
PAIGE
Good. Cousin Jan called mid-sear and I got distracted. I worried I cooked it dry.
BERNARD
No it’s perfect, as always.
Is Jan ok?
PAIGE
Jan’s Jan. A hoot and a trainwreck.
BERNARD
Is she ever going to come visit you?
PAIGE
I keep imploring, but she never budges. I think it’s the planes.
BERNARD
Planes…?
PAIGE
Remember her nephew? The Cessna?
BERNARD
Oh, right. Of course.
PAIGE
Who really knows. It doesn’t change that you’re stuck with me tonight.
BERNARD
And you me.
PAIGE
You know I love it though. Brings me back to the grade school days. You’d come in, sling down your bag, sit down right here, vacuum up some chow, talk about your day, ask me about mine. Same as it ever was.
BERNARD
Except we’re old.
PAIGE
Wise.
BERNARD
Whatever you say.
PAIGE
That is what I say.
…
So. How was your day?
BERNARD
My day was...alright.
I finish lecturing before lunch on Fridays, so I had the afternoon for me.
PAIGE
And how did you have it?
BERNARD
Truthfully?
I sat in my desk chair and fought with someone on the internet.
PAIGE
Oh. Was that your intention?
BERNARD
No. I had plans to take a jog in the park, but as I was getting dressed, I got notified on my phone that someone had mentioned me in a message.
PAIGE
A text?
BERNARD
No, on Twitter. You know Twitter—?
PAIGE
Yes Bernard, I know Twitter—
BERNARD
Sorry, ok. So I saw I got “Tweeted at.”
PAIGE
Is this someone you know?
BERNARD
No. Someone out there who follows my account.
PAIGE
And who is this person?
BERNARD
Well from the looks of his profile, he’s one of these young, easily impressionable, uneducated, twentysomething trolls who believes vaccines are the devil and climate change is a joke and Bush did 9/11—
PAIGE
Bush did 9/11—?
BERNARD
It’s a conspiracy—
PAIGE
Bush didn’t do 9/11—
BERNARD
Of course he didn’t—
PAIGE
He shouldn't have invaded Iraq but—
BERNARD
I know, Mom. My point is, this guy’s a provocateur. He’s the kind of leeching scum that gets his kicks by engaging in Twitter battles with people who actually know what they’re talking about.
PAIGE
Like yourself.
BERNARD
Sure. I know more than him, that I do know.
...
So he posts this massive diatribe riddled with these theories and arguments with absolutely no basis for truth. None at all. Even he probably knows it.
PAIGE
Like what?
BERNARD
It’s not even worth telling you. They’d make you dumb just hearing them, believe me.
So I write back. I make sure it’s fair, but firm. I poke holes in every argument, supported with a provable fact. And I post my response.
PAIGE
But it’s not over.
BERNARD
Oh, nonono. Because the deal with these people is that they never back down, especially when they’re in the wrong.
PAIGE
Of course.
BERNARD
So he writes back with some more garbage.
Then I make garbage out of his garbage.
Then he tries to triple down, I play him like a fiddle.
Then he counters to a new topic, so then I take that down.
And it just keeps going: in-out, up-down, bob-weave, jab-cross, hit hit hit until finally, finally, he stops. After an hour of back and forth...nothing.
PAIGE
...what happened?
BERNARD
Who knows. Maybe I shamed him too much, maybe it wasn’t fun for him anymore. But he left. Truth won.
…
PAIGE
Did you ever go on your run?
BERNARD
Well by the time it was over, I remembered I had to jump on a department meeting, and then I had to feed the dog, and then I had to clean up and come see you.
So no.
…
…
BERNARD
I know.
PAIGE
What do you know?
BERNARD
Your face. You disapprove.
PAIGE
No. It’s your time, you can do what you want with it.
But I do think a man of your age, intelligence and status can do better things than engage with idiots on the web.
BERNARD
And as a scholar of my position, it’s all the more imperative I stamp out blatant misinformation when I see it. Especially when it’s directed towards me.
PAIGE
I understand you were challenged. I just know if it was me, I would ignore things like that. People forget how much power there is in ignoring. How much you can say with nothing.
BERNARD
I don’t think you understand Mom.
PAIGE
I do understand—
BERNARD
No. I think you think you do. You don’t have Twitter, you’re not connected, you don’t have 18,000 followers. You hear about it all on the nightly news, but you’re not seeing it. You’re not facing these people. You don’t know the hate they’re spewing and the lies they’re spreading, and how dangerous it can really be.
It sounds asinine, but when I sit at my desk and do this, I’m in battle. My screen is the field, and my thumbs are my weapons, and I’m fighting an enemy who could guerilla attack me from any direction, at any given time. And I feel if I don’t stop them, if I don’t shoot them down right then and there, that’s another innocent person that might believe the things they say.
...
It’s a war. A war on truth and decency and logic. I have rank, I have influence. I have to. This is my service.
…
PAIGE
You’re right. Maybe I just don’t know.
…
But I’m very glad your father wasn’t here to hear that. Comparing your service to his.
He dodged bullets in Korea. Walked through minefields, escaped bomb raids—
BERNARD
...mom—
PAIGE
You’re squashing little bugs on your phone. Far from danger, right at home. Don’t tell me that’s war.
…
…
BERNARD
I may have gotten carried away with the metaphor.
Of course I—I wasn’t trying to…
I hope you know that—
PAIGE
I do. And I’m proud of you. So so proud, you have no godly idea.
But I want you to be better. I wouldn’t be a good mother if I didn’t.
Even if we’re old now—
BERNARD
Wise.
PAIGE
Yes.
Pardon me.
Silence between them. Paige pokes around at her food. Bernard takes the last bite or two of his steak, then puts down his utensils and looks up, giving his best reconciliatory smile:
BERNARD
So. How was your day?