The Breadwinner
May 20th, 2020
Starring: Auctioneer
An auction house, like Sotheby’s. Everyone’s in formal clothing. The Auctioneer is on a lectern, holding a gavel, dripping in joie de vivre. They rap it sharply on a wooden block, settling the crowd.
AUCTIONEER
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are back in session from our cocktail break.
Which means I would now like to direct your attention to our next lot up for auction, number 19142:
Two gloved attendants bring on a pedestal, covered in cloth. They remove the cloth slowly, revealing two small sealed pouches.
We have two unopened, untampered packages of pure, all-natural, high-quality yeast, acquired in-store via Walmart and stored at an optimal climate-controlled pantry temperature.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the belle of the ball tonight.
Bidding will begin at 250.
...
250? 250? Thank you 250.
255? Do I hear 255? Yes 255.
260? Anyone got 260?
Am I seeing 265? Right there, much appreciated sir.
270? 270? Anyone anyone—excellent! We have our first jump.
Bidding is now at 280. 285?
Anyone feeling leavened enough for 285?
285...285? 285, that’s highway robbery if that’s where we end ton—
300! 300, wonderful ma’am! Bidding is now at 305.
...
305 is the number. Anyone want to rise to that challenge?
305 don’t mind if you do, sir. We’re at 310 now, 310.
310! Beautiful.
320! Why not?
350! Goodness me!
400??!! That’s 400 offered from one of our phone-in participants.
430 from you ma’am, that’s the spirit!
500 from our pal on the phone, 500!
550 ma’am, good show!
650! We have reached 650!
710! 710!
EIGHT-HUNDRED
NINE!
NINE NINETY FIVE!
Ma’am, that paddle is sky-high, and I love you for it.
Ladies and Gents, we’ve reached a Million.
A Million.
A cool Million is the pricetag to beat.
Does the Gentleman on the phone have an offer?
Yes? No?
One Mill going once, one Mill going twice…
This. Yeast. Is—
One of the gloved attendants whispers something in the Auctioneer’s ear.
Still up for sale!
We have a new international bidder at 1.1 Million.
With an additional bid of three packages of Charmin Ultrasoft.
Do we have any counters?
The lady to my right?
…
The gentleman on the phone?
…
Once,
Twice,
Sold.
The Auctioneer bangs their gavel. The attendants cover the yeast and whisk it away.
Wow. Wowwowwow.
I don’t know about you Ladies and Gentleman, but that is why I do this. Thrilling stuff.
…
We are now moving on to Lot 19143, an economy-size bag of King Arthur Flour.
Bidding will begin at 500.
Anyone?
The bidding process begins again.