Fritz
September 18th, 2020
Starring: Silas (male, 35-45) , Leti (female, 35-45) , Fritz (male, late 20’s)
A weekday morning, the kitchen. Silas, dressed for work, is buried in the bottom of the refrigerator. His butt pokes out over the kitchen island. Leti enters, holding a festive balloon shaped like a cupcake.
LETI
Si?
SILAS
I’m down here
LETI (simultaneously)
Happy birthday!
SILAS (simultaneously)
Do we have more jicama cubes?
LETI
What?
SILAS (still rummaging, back turned)
Do we have more jicama cubes? I need them for my parfait.
LETI
I...I thought we did?
SILAS
Hmm...I don’t see any.
LETI
I know we have some raspberries up top.
SILAS
I saw those. They’re too tart for parfait.
LETI
Well I could go grab some—
SILAS
Whatevs, it’s too late. If I wanted my parfait ready in time, it would’ve had to be assembled and cooling minutes ago.
LETI
Are you gonna eat something?
SILAS
Eh. I’ll wait for lunch.
…
What’s the cupcake?
LETI
Happy birthday.
SILAS
I didn’t know cupcakes were a universal sign for birthdays.
LETI
They were out of birthday-specific ones at the store.
SILAS
Were they out of jicama as well?
…
Sorry, I know that’s not your fault.
Thank you for the balloon.
He plants a kiss on her cheek.
Gotta run. See you tonight.
LETI
You’re not going in today.
SILAS
I’m not?
LETI
I called them. You’re taking off.
SILAS
But I don’t want that. Why would I want that?
Birthdays are depression pits.
I appreciate it sweetie, but I’d much prefer a usual day.
LETI
They won’t let you in the building today. Your superiors agreed, you’ve been under too much stress.
SILAS
Celebrating my birthday at home isn’t going to help.
LETI
I got you a gift.
SILAS
Oh for pete’s sake—
DING DONG.
LETI
He’s here!
SILAS
He??
Let—
Let—
I don’t want this. I don’t want a damn thi—
Leti opens the door. Fritz, a 6ft 8, 285lb, colossus of a European man, blocks up the entirety of the doorway. His forearm is thicker than Silas’ torso.
SILAS
Holy—
LETI
Fritz, welcome. How was your flight?
FRITZ
Immaculate, ma’am. I slept like a baby in business class.
LETI
Wonderful. Please, come in.
Si, this is Fritz. Fritz, Silas, Silas, Fritz.
FRITZ
Pleasure to meet you, sir. Your posture’s worse than your pictures show.
SILAS
Oh.
Well thank you.
Welcome.
LETI
Shall we sit?
They all take a seat in the living room. Fritz gets the couch to himself, as he takes up ¾ of it:
SILAS
So Fritz
Um
May I ask what is it that you do?
FRITZ
I engage with other bodies with my body to create transcendent physical experiences.
LETI
He’s a masseuse. A very good one.
Arguably the best in Holland.
FRITZ
Western Europe, according to the Dutch Royals.
The world, according to me.
…
SILAS
So you’re here to—
FRITZ
Yes. You’ve purchased the full package. The six-hour pressure sequence.
SILAS
Six
That’s a
That’s quite some time
FRITZ
Yes. Yes it is.
Silence. Fritz smiles at Silas, genuinely. Silas smiles at Leti, trying to hold it together. Leti smiles at Fritz, thankful.
Cut to Silas’ bedroom, where he’s lying facedown on the table, covered in a towel. Fritz warms up, cracking every possible bone. Just from the sound, Silas cringes, terrified. Fritz approaches Silas:
FRITZ
Alright Silas.
Are you ready to begin?
Silas lets out some garbled response.
FRITZ
Do not worry. Your wife has explained how you don’t react well to bodily pressure. I shall be very gentle. You won’t even notice my hands are there.
...
Plus, I have already seen your X-Rays. I know how much your bones can truly take.
SILAS
Haha
…
Wait wha—
FRITZ
Happy birthday!
Cut to Leti, who’s sitting in the kitchen, sucking the helium from the cupcake balloon.
From the other room, the ear splitting shrieks begin, like someone’s being tortured. It continues on and on and on. Leti lets out an uncontrollable, helium soaked belly laugh, but it’s drowned out by the screams.