The Tut Sting
July 3rd, 2020
Starring: Howard Carter (male, 40ish), Pinkertons 1, Pinkerton 2 (male, 55-70)
An Egyptian tomb. Pitch black. Howard Carter (British, bushy mustache), holding a torch, walks through a narrow hallway, containing wall paintings and hieroglyphics. He shines the torch over them, reading in fascination.
CARTER
The hieroglyphs...the paintings...it all fits! I must be close…
Carter continues deeper into the tomb. Finally, he reaches two doors. He slides them open, entering the tomb room. He sees the sarcophagus, and almost drops his torch in shock. He’s giddy.
CARTER
Dear me...I’ve done it! I’ve really done it!
I’ve found the lost tomb of King Tutankhamen!!!!
Look at this room….it’s unimaginable! I’ve never seen anything like it!
He hangs the torch on the wall and walks toward the sarcophagus, slowly.
CARTER
And oh my...the sarcophagus! It’s immaculate! Untouched!
Carter leans over to look at the mummy, smiling like a kid on Christmas morning.
CARTER
Why hello there, my little friend. I’ve spent a very long time looking for you.
And here we are. You and me! Haha!
Oh, I could just kiss you!
As Carter reaches his hands out to examine the mummy, a two lanterns shine behind him.
PINKERTON 1 (voice)
I bet you’d like that wouldn’t you?
The suited Pinkertons jump from behind a wall of artifacts, wielding pistols. They’re in dusty suits, with old New York accents:
PINKERTON 1
Hands up!
CARTER
Huh?
PINKERTON 2
You heard him. Hands off and up!
CARTER
Pardon?
PINKERTON 2
I said get your dirty hands off the kid and up in the air, sicko!
Carter puts his hands up, confusedly.
CARTER
I’m terribly sorry but...who in the queen’s name are you?
PINKERTON 1
Never mind who we are.
PINKERTON 2
Let’s just say we’re the last two people you’d want to meet today.
PINKERTON 1
Because our speciality is kicking sense into slimeballs like yourself.
CARTER
How...how did you get in here? This tomb’s been undiscoverable for millenia!
PINKERTON 1
Never mind how we got here.
PINKERTON 2
All we know is that we know a tomb creep when we see one.
CARTER
Tomb creep? What in the name of heaven—
PINKERTON 1
Don’t play dumb with us. We just caught ya right in the act.
CARTER
In the act??? From what?
PINKERTON 2
Of laying your filthy rotten hands all over that kid’s sarcophagus!
PINKERTON 1
He’s a boy for chrissake!
CARTER
Me, a...a pedophile?! Preposterous! And anyways, he’s 19!
PINKERTON 1
That’s what they all say.
PINKERTON 2
And I don’t see no birth certificate, do I?
PINKERTON 1
And you said you “could just kiss him.” We got it all on tape!
CARTER
I’ll have you know that this is my job! I’m an archaeologist!
PINKERTON 1
Ahhh that’s what you want us to think don’t ya?
PINKERTON 2
Distinguished man, nice accent, an innocent lifelong passion for bones.
PINKERTON 1
But you know what I see, Hornsby?
PINKERTON 2
What do ya see, Templeton?
PINKERTON 1
I see a tomb raiding pedo monster with a bushy moustache and a lifelong passion for sneaking into the private rooms of little boys and touching their bones.
PINKERTON 2
Huh. Funny, because that’s what I see too! A bonafide pharaoh predator!
PINKERTON 1
A saharan sex offender!
PINKERTON 2
A nubian necrophile!
PINKERTON 1
You thought you could be the daddy to his mummy and get away with it, didn’t ya you brit twit? Ha! Boy, were you wrong…
PINKERTON 2
When we’re done with ya, we’ll have ya juiced like a jackal, all ya organs stuffed into canopic jars, and whatever’s left of ya sent right to the slammer.
CARTER
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please. I beg of you. I know what this looks like, but this is all simply a misunderstanding. I’ve just made the most significant archaeological discovery of the century! This is all for science! For history! For humanity!
PINKERTON 1
That’s what they all say. Go on Hornsby, throw the cuffs on him!
PINKERTON 2
Gladly. Lace up ya boots Carter, it’s a long walk from here to sing sing.
Go on, lead the way. We’ll catch up.
Carter, forlorn, handcuffed, and confused, bumbles out of the tomb.
PINKERTON 1
Nice bust partner.
PINKERTON 2
Hey, just another day at the office.
…
I do think the report said he’s actually 19.
PINKERTON 1
Really? Hm. Still, nobody likes a gold digger.
PINKERTON 2
A-men.
I’m starving, are you?
PINKERTON 1
Yeah, I could eat.
PINKERTON 2
Let’s blow this joint.
They walk out of the tomb, following Carter. Pinkerton 2 shouts after him.
PINKERTON 2
HEY HOWIE! YOU KNOW ANY GOOD FALAFEL PLACES AROUND HERE??
The Pinkertons exit. The tomb doors slide shut.