Complicator
December 3rd, 2020
Starring: Shopper (35-45), Employee (25-35)
Inside “Fair Provisions,” an upscale, Earthy grocery chain. The checkout line. Shopper pushes their cart up in line, beginning to offload a decent haul of grocery items onto the conveyor belt. Employee waves cheerily and begins to scan the items:
EMPLOYEE
Hi there!
SHOPPER
Hello!
EMPLOYEE
Hosting a holiday crowd huh?
SHOPPER
Oh, no. Just me.
EMPLOYEE
Okey doke.
Employee keeps scanning, eventually finishing and bagging. They press a few buttons on their monitor, ringing Shopper up:
EMPLOYEE
Your total’s gonna be 171.75 today.
SHOPPER
What’s this?
EMPLOYEE
Oh, we just redid our pinpad system. It’s pretty much the same.
SHOPPER
Can I insert?
EMPLOYEE
Go right ahead.
Next to the pinpad, there’s a tall metal container. Shopper points to it:
SHOPPER
What’s that?
EMPLOYEE
Our complicator. Contactless receipt printer.
SHOPPER
…I’m sorry you said complicator—?
EMPLOYEE
Mhm!
SHOPPER
You said it printed receipts.
EMPLOYEE
That too!
The complicator spits out a long receipt for the food, pre-stapled to a little bound pamphlet. Shopper takes it and confusedly flips through, reading:
SHOPPER
Total animals slaughtered: 4.46
Total pesticides on produce: 97 mL
Projected ingested plastics risk: Medium-high
Products made utilizing slave and exploitative labor: 17
Total miles traveled for product shipping: 449 auto, 790 aero, 2600 nautical (cuz shrimp)
Total pounds of non-recyclable materials used: 14.6 lbs
Total pounds of paper used (shopping bags excluded): 7.9 lbs
Amount of state minimum wage work required for cart purchase: 23.68 hours
Potential impoverished children fed with cart purchase: 158
Purchased food waste probability: 44%
Overall complication score: 68.3 out of 100
…
EMPLOYEE
There’s more advanced stats on the back, if you’re interested.
SHOPPER
Why is this a thing?
EMPLOYEE
It’s part of our newest transparency policy.
SHOPPER
But what makes you think people want to know this?
EMPLOYEE
We’re Fair Provisions. We have to be fair.
SHOPPER
Well I thought fair meant like...healthy. And you treat people nice. And your products don’t murder the world.
EMPLOYEE
We’re still a business. It’s all gotta get to you somehow, doesn’t it?
SHOPPER
Then what am I paying all this extra money for?
EMPLOYEE
Some honesty, peace of mind. If only you could see the numbers of the stores that aren’t us.
SHOPPER
But these numbers are still like...really bad.
EMPLOYEE
What can I say? Gotta eat, right?
…
SHOPPER
Well...can I at least return some stuff? To lower my complication score?
EMPLOYEE
It comes with the receipt for a reason.
SHOPPER
So what should I return?
EMPLOYEE
Depends on how low you wanna go.
SHOPPER
How about...50. Is that still too high?
EMPLOYEE
Everybody’s got their number. If you’re good with it, I’m good with it.
SHOPPER
Ok. What do I return to get to a 50 complication score?
EMPLOYEE
Hmmm
Looking at the monitor:
Computer says if we hack off the coffee grounds, shrimp, pre-marinated tenderized maple glazed chicken legs, both packs of organic pretzels, and six of your eleven kombuchas, that will drop your score down to...51.3
SHOPPER
That’s not 50 though.
EMPLOYEE
That’s about as close as I can get it. Apologies.
SHOPPER
Would you be good with that?
EMPLOYEE
I’m afraid it’s not my food. Are you good with it?
…
SHOPPER
Yeah. Let’s do it. What’s another .4 gonna do anyway?
EMPLOYEE
Do you want me to answer that?
SHOPPER
No. Please don’t.
Employee takes all the returned food and puts it on a part of the conveyor belt. It vanishes, sucked down a chute.
SHOPPER
Where does that go?
EMPLOYEE
Don’t worry about it.
The complicator spits out a receipt and another pamphlet, albeit a bit shorter.
EMPLOYEE
Alright, you’re all set.
Would you like to make a 50 cent donation to the Salvation Army?
SHOPPER
Um...not today. I actually already donated. A lot.
My friend has a charity.
EMPLOYEE
Not a worry. Thanks for shopping with us, you have a great day!
SHOPPER
You too!
And thanks for the fair shake.
SHOPPER
My pleasure! Just doing our job.
Shopper takes their cart and pushes away. The next shopper pulls up and starts to unload. Employee greets them with a big smile:
EMPLOYEE
Hi there!