Flavor
December 17th, 2020
Starring: Greta (female, late 60’s), Troy (male, early 30’s), Mel (female, early 30’s)
The corporate HQ of Gramma Greta’s Frozen Delights. Greta’s office. Greta sits at her desk. The wall behind her is plastered with the company logo: Greta giving a classic grandmotherly smile, ice cream pint in one hand, spoon held in a firm fist up in the air. Troy and Mel stand next to her, phones plastered to their hands:
GRETA
You know
Sometimes I wonder how this shit can fall through the cracks
TROY
It shouldn’t.
MEL
It can’t.
GRETA
It did. I signed off on it.
TROY
For the record, you’re not going to admit that publically—
GRETA
And admit that I don’t have creative control of my creamery?
MEL
He’s saying that it looks better if you didn’t know. For you, the company. Easier to blame it on some replaceables in marketing than—you know—the founder.
GRETA
It doesn’t matter who we blame. The deed’s done, we’re dicked.
TROY
Woahheywoah—
GRETA
54 hardworking, family owned years kaput on bad wording—
MEL
Right, wording. That’s all it is.
GRETA
We released a flavor called “Vanilla Power!”
MEL
But remember, those are just words. We can replace words with other words, take back words, twist words, mince words, make words go poof—
TROY
Better than a recall. Remember the recall?
GRETA
Oh lord—
TROY
See? Much worse days. I don’t see any FDA breathing down our necks! No little Timmys getting listeria...
GRETA
But...Vanilla Power?! We can’t crawl back from Vanilla Power!
MEL
Sure we can. All we need is a label change—
TROY
We were already thinking Vanill For Rill—
MEL
A really good apology—
TROY
Which PR’s writing as we speak—
MEL
And making sure this is the best darn creamed ice the people have ever put in their mouth holes—
TROY
Which it already is—
MEL
I mean vanilla bean ice cream with white chocolate chunks and marshmallow flecks? Pure genius, Greta.
TROY
I finished a whole pint alone last night.
MEL
See? Flavor beats outrage. Always.
…
GRETA
We gotta add something.
MEL
What about the flavor balance?
GRETA
I don’t care. We need color.
...
Add sno-caps.
No.
Butterscotch bites.
TROY
Nice complement, Greta—
GRETA
Quit jerking me around Troy.
Both of you.
This is not a corporate crisis exercise, this is my business. The joy of this brand is bleeding out on the floor. Clot it before we lose it.
MEL
We’ll make it happen.
The phone on Greta’s desk rings.
MEL
That’s our lawyers—
GRETA
I’ll take it.
Greta holds out her arm, ready to take the call. Mel and Troy stay, assuming they’re wanted. Greta stares back at them.
GRETA
Goodbye.
Mel and Troy get the message, begrudgingly shuffling out of the room. The door shuts. Greta picks up the phone:
GRETA
Avi.
Are we dicked?