Razd
December 14th, 2020
Starring: Buddy (male, 11), The Dealer (male, 30’s)
The suburbs. Morning. A neighborhood street corner, serving as the de facto school bus stop. Buddy stands there with his backpack, struggling to text on an archaic flip phone. The Dealer pops out of an Escalade, wearing a Canada Goose style parka:
THE DEALER
Hey bud.
BUDDY
Go away.
THE DEALER
Hey now—
BUDDY
I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.
THE DEALER
Just hold up buddy—
BUDDY
I’ve got the cops on speed dial.
The Dealer takes a few steps back, hands up:
THE DEALER
Woahwoahwoah I’m chill, ok? All love here. I was just curious about your phone.
BUDDY
My phone?
THE DEALER
Motorola Razr, right? I was driving by, I couldn’t help but notice.
BUDDY
...so?
THE DEALER
Black on Chrome, 2007. Rare. Where’d you get that beauty?
BUDDY
It was my Dad’s, why do you care?
THE DEALER
I’m a connoisseur, of sorts. You know how people collect sneakers? You must own some Jordans—
BUDDY
Just Skechers.
THE DEALER
Well what some people are for sneakers, I am for tech.
BUDDY
Old tech?
THE DEALER
Phones, landlines, Gamecubes, T-Mobile Sidekicks. The occasional Webkinz or Tamagotchi, if it’s in good condition.
BUDDY
But...who would want this? It’s garbage. It can’t do anything except call and flip.
THE DEALER
See bud, that’s what you can’t see. Call and flip is all some people want these days. Pure vintage simplicity is in, and old farts like me are willing to pay for it.
BUDDY
No way.
THE DEALER
Way way. One Gen Z’s trash is a Millennial's treasure.
BUDDY
So you’re saying...what, you want my phone?
THE DEALER
Sure do.
...
BUDDY
How much?
THE DEALER
How does 200 bucks sound?
BUDDY
...that’s it?
THE DEALER
That’s it. Still an old phone, at the end of the day.
BUDDY
You said it was rare.
THE DEALER
It is. But I know the market.
BUDDY
What makes you the expert?
THE DEALER
I used to work in the industry.
BUDDY
Apple?
THE DEALER
Circuit City.
BUDDY
Never heard of it.
THE DEALER
That’s the value, trust me.
BUDDY
That won’t even buy me a new phone.
THE DEALER
What kind of phone do you want?
BUDDY
A smart one.
THE DEALER
This phone’s not worth one.
BUDDY
Well if you want this dumb phone, you have to pay me like it’s a smart one.
THE DEALER
We don’t have to make the deal at all.
BUDDY
You approached me. I’m just trying to negotiate.
…
THE DEALER
300.
BUDDY
Psh.
THE DEALER
350.
BUDDY
Come on.
THE DEALER
400. You can get a sweet used iPhone for that.
BUDDY
I don’t want used. I want brand new, right out the white box iPhone.
THE DEALER
I can’t give you that, buddy.
BUDDY
Then I can’t give you this.
...
THE DEALER
500.
I’ll sweeten it to 525, because I’m a gentleman. You should give me a hug, because that’s as good of a deal as you’ll get. What do you say?
…
BUDDY
600.
THE DEALER
Je-sus—
BUDDY
Plus 50 for an Otterbox and a pop socket.
650 and it’s all yours.
The Dealer thinks, then relents. He pulls a wad of bills out and counts out the cash.
THE DEALER
You drive a hard bargain, little dude. But I respect it. I see a lot of myself in you.
The Dealer holds out the money. Buddy opens the back slot of his phone, pulling out and pocketing the SIM card. He takes the money and hands The Dealer the Razr.
As the deal is done, the school bus comes down the street and stops at the corner. The door hisses open. Buddy climbs up the stairs, then turns back to The Dealer:
BUDDY
Thanks.
THE DEALER
No bud, thank you. Keep that head up.
The bus pulls away. The Dealer gets back into his Escalade, takes out his smartphone, and dials.
THE DEALER
Yo. Yeah I got it. 650.
I way undersold the little q-tip. My boy in Abu Dhabi’s gonna sandstorm his pants.
On my way.
He hangs up, then admires the Razr, giving it a whistle. He starts the car and screeches away.
Back on the bus, Buddy reaches into his backpack and pulls out his iPhone. He dials:
BUDDY
Yo. Yeah we got him. 650.
It looked so real, he completely bought it. I’m telling you, this PS5’s gonna be nice. Shit your pants level graphics.
See you 2nd period.