Skadoosh
December 20th, 2020
Starring: Researcher (55-65), Assistant (30-40)
The Baffin Bay, off the coast of Greenland. A research vessel. Researcher and Assistant are port side, staring up at a gargantuan ice shelf. A large chunk falls off the shelf and plunges into the water.
RESEARCHER
Damn.
ASSISTANT
Skadoosh.
RESEARCHER
This is going faster than I thought.
ASSISTANT
Time flies when you’re having fun...
RESEARCHER
Polluting.
ASSISTANT
How else can you have fun?
RESEARCHER
You’re a funny one.
ASSISTANT
But actually should I revise the estimate?
RESEARCHER
Oh absolutely. This is huge bad news bears.
ASSISTANT
So the Northeast seaboard’s underwater in what, twenty?
RESEARCHER
Twenty? Now you’re really a comedian.
ASSISTANT
Seventeen?
RESEARCHER
Warmer.
ASSISTANT
Fifteen?
RESEARCHER
Hot.
ASSISTANT
Twelve.
RESEARCHER
Blazing.
ASSISTANT
...ten?
RESEARCHER
Ten.
Another chunk of the ice shelf pitches into the sea:
RESEARCHER
Maybe nine.
ASSISTANT
Our station’s on Long Island Sound.
RESEARCHER
You might as well be where the magic happens.
ASSISTANT
Where will you be?
RESEARCHER
In nine years? Retired, in my bunker in New Mexico.
ASSISTANT
Does that mean I’ll be researcher?
RESEARCHER
If you keep your nose clean. Sorry to say the job won’t mean much by then.
…
ASSISTANT
So...should we tell people? About what’s coming?
RESEARCHER
We have. Noone listened.
ASSISTANT
Maybe if they knew it was that soon—
RESEARCHER
Do you have a time machine?
ASSISTANT
No.
RESEARCHER
So there’s nothing to do. Let them have their fun.
…
ASSISTANT
If I’m the heir apparent, I want a raise.
RESEARCHER
Can’t.
ASSISTANT
I want a bunker like yours.
RESEARCHER
We don’t have the grants for it.
...
…
Don’t blame me.
ASSISTANT
Who should I blame?
RESEARCHER
I don’t know.
The world?
Another chunk splashes down. Skadoosh.