20/20
January 31st, 2021
Starring: GP (40-55), Impatient (25-35)
The doctor’s office. GP (general practitioner, wearing glasses) is going through the normal checkup with Impatient:
GP
Now we’re gonna test your eyes…
IMPATIENT
Oh boy...
GP
Do you wear glasses?
IMPATIENT
Oh, heh, no. I’ve been 20/20 my whole life.
GP
Lucky ducky.
IMPATIENT
Very proud of it.
GP pulls up a letter chart:
GP
If you’ll cover your dominant eye
And read from the top dow—
IMPATIENT
I-G-O-T-I-T
Heh
No laugh from GP. Impatient covers one eye and reads, casually:
IMPATIENT
E
P-F
F-D-C
D-L-K-F
P-F-T-Z-D
Z-E-P-C-D-K
P-E-Z-O-K-D-F
C-D-F-P-F-E-K-T
T-L-P-E-F-C-E-F
GP
Great. Now your non-dominant?
Impatient switches hands, and reads:
IMPATIENT
E
P-F
F-D-C
D-L-K-F
P-F-T-Z-D
Z-E-P-C-D-K
P-E-Z-O-K-D-F
C-D-F-P-F-E-K-T
T-L-F…
T-L-F-E...
P-C-E-F
…
IMPATIENT
I blew it, didn’t I?
The last line. I switched the first P to an F and the F to a P.
GP
Yes. You’re—
IMPATIENT
Don’t—!
GP
20/25.
…
IMPATIENT
Could you still put down 20/20?
GP
What?
IMPATIENT
I just corrected myself correctly. That proves I knew what it actually was.
GP
But you didn’t say it.
IMPATIENT
It was a freudian slip! Stage fright!
GP
You said what you said.
IMPATIENT
Nobody has to know—
GP
No.
IMPATIENT
20 bucks.
Fine, forty. One for each eye.
GP
It’s malpractice.
IMPATIENT
Malpractice?! You’re doing more harm by telling the truth!
GP
It’s the best for your physical well-being.
IMPATIENT
What about my mental well-being?
GP
That’s not my specialty.
IMPATIENT
You don’t have any specialty!
…
…
GP
Here’s a list of therapists, should you want to address your mental state.
IMPATIENT
Thanks. I’ll take a look after an optometrist’s second opinion.
GP
You do that.
GP takes out a wooden tongue depressor:
IMPATIENT
Now open your mouth and say “ah”
Impatient opens their mouth:
IMPATIENT
Ahhh...
In one swift movement, GP takes the tongue depressor and pokes it deep into Impatient’s eye:
IMPATIENT
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!