Accomodate
February 1st, 2021
Starring: The Holy Guest, Front Desk, Manager, General Manager, Ownership
The single room of a boutique luxury hotel, in a metropolitan center. Late evening. The room is trendily styled with mood lights, touch screens, framed modern art prints. The desk color matches the sheets of the queen bed. On either side of the bed, two hexagonal nightstands, with two drawers in each.
The sound of the door unlocking. The automatic lights blink on. (The Holy) Guest enters wearily, pulling a carry-on suitcase. From it, they take out some form of pajama. They change in the bathroom, then tuck themselves right into bed. Guest stretches and yawns, turning to the closest nightstand. They open the first drawer and find a notepad and a pen. The second drawer, nothing. Guest pauses, then rolls across the bed to the other nightstand, opening the other drawers. Drawer one has a room-service menu. Drawer two has nothing. Guest frowns. They begrudgingly slide from bed and search the desk drawers, then the dresser drawers, then the closet. No dice, and more frowns. They get back in bed and pick up the phone. A few seconds of silence, then a click.
FRONT DESK (voice)
Good evening.
THE HOLY GUEST
Is this the front desk?
FRONT DESK (voice)
Yes.
THE HOLY GUEST
I’d be curious to know where you keep the bibles.
FRONT DESK (voice)
...bibles?
THE HOLY GUEST
Yes. Do you supply bibles for the rooms?
FRONT DESK (voice)
Um
One moment please.
A click, then a dial tone. A new voice is heard, and the room lights grow dimmer:
MANAGER (voice)
Good evening. You’ve asked about a bible?
THE HOLY GUEST
Who’s this?
MANAGER (voice)
The Manager.
THE HOLY GUEST
Oh. Yes, I was wondering if there was a bible in my room.
MANAGER (voice)
Ah.
The sound of keys typing in the background...
MANAGER (voice)
I’m afraid we don’t supply them.
There is a meditation room on the second floor, if you’re looking for a place for silent prayer.
THE HOLY GUEST
My room works fine, thank you. But I can’t do much without a bible.
May I have a bible?
…
MANAGER (voice)
One moment please.
A click, then a dial tone. A new voice is heard, and the room lights grow dimmer:
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
Good evening. You’ve asked about a bible?
THE HOLY GUEST
Who are you?
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
The General Manager.
THE HOLY GUEST
Oh. Yes, I’d like a bible. I was told you have none. Is this true?
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
Apologies, it is.
THE HOLY GUEST
I’m surprised. I’ve never stayed in a hotel without a bible in the nightstand.
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
Our ownership maintains a sectarian-neutral policy.
THE HOLY GUEST
I’m sorry, but could you explain the logic of this?
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
Well, it’s an effort of inclusivity. This hotel attracts guests from all over the world, of every faith and religion. Placing a bible in rooms would enforce a Judeo-Christian assumption we’d prefer not to make.
THE HOLY GUEST
Then you’re excluding Judeo-Christians.
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
No, we’re including everyone by excluding everyone.
THE HOLY GUEST
If you really wanted to be inclusive, you’d have the holy text of every world religion in every room.
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
That’s quite a steep investment.
THE HOLY GUEST
It’s 750 a night. You can’t find it in your budget for some Vedas and Tripitakas?
…
GENERAL MANAGER (voice)
One moment please.
A click, then a dial tone. A new voice is heard, and the room lights grow dimmer:
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Good evening. You’ve—
THE HOLY GUEST
Yes.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Ownership speaking—
THE HOLY GUEST
I don’t care who you are. I want a King James bible in Room 318.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
I can’t provide that.
THE HOLY GUEST
Why?
OWNERSHIP (voice)
As my inferiors explained—
THE HOLY GUEST
Their explanations have been inferior.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Be that as it may, they’re true.
THE HOLY GUEST
No. I want the real answer. From you. Why can’t I have a bible?
OWNERSHIP (voice)
I’m just not a believer.
Sorry.
…
THE HOLY GUEST
This is why I hate coming to the city. You think you’re all holier than holy—
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Not at all. It’s just what we believe in.
THE HOLY GUEST
To trample what I believe in!
OWNERSHIP (voice)
We’re not kicking you to the curb. We welcome your business, so long as you follow our values.
THE HOLY GUEST
I can’t. I find them abhorrent.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Then perhaps different accommodations should be considered.
THE HOLY GUEST
Yes. Perhaps they should.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
There’s plenty of bible-toting lodging in the area. I’ll have the concierge print you a list.
THE HOLY GUEST
That won’t be necessary. I’ve got an old friend living just outside of town.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Ah. From chapel choir?
THE HOLY GUEST
Mission trip.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
How sweet.
I’ll get you refunded right away.
THE HOLY GUEST
And I’ll pray for you.
Even if you don’t want me to, I still will.
OWNERSHIP (voice)
Amen.
The line goes dead. Guest puts the phone down, then calmly enters the bathroom, changing back into their day clothes. They place their pajamas back in their suitcase, then zip it up.
They frown.
They then return to the bathroom, returning with their arms full of mini bottled soaps, shampoos, conditioners, and body washes. They dump them onto the bed and stuff them into the suitcase.
Guest starts to zip it up again, then stops. They take all the mini bottles out of the suitcase and arrange them on the desk, neatly. They open the first drawer of the first nightstand and take out the notepad and pen, scribble something on the page, fold the note in half, then stand it on top of the mini bottles, like a cherry on top. They zip up the suitcase, finally, then tow it out behind them. The door clicks shut.
We zoom in on the note, which reads, “THOU SHALL NOT STEAL.”
The automatic lights blink off.