Buttegrity
January 10th, 2021
Starring: A & B
A and B are in the same room, doing different things. Silence. After a few moments, A looks to B and makes a face:
A
Ew.
B
..what?
A
You farted.
B
Uh...no.
A
Why deny it?
B
Because I didn’t fart?
A
I can smell.
B
Congrats.
A
Really, you won’t admit it?
B
There’s nothing to admit. And I’m tired of all the false accusations. Not every foreign smell is me farting.
A
It’s not crazy to assume. Very often, it is you farting.
B
But not in every case. Right now, the smell could be coming from something much worse, but it’s easier to blame it on my butt.
A
Wait so you do smell something?
B
Faintly, now that you mentioned it.
A
What?
B
Like a dusty sourness?
A
That’s what I’m smelling.
B
Ok, since we’re both smelling it, what if we considered it not to be my fart?
A
What else would it be?
B
Anything.
It could be a mildew problem. A sewage leak. An animal died in the wall and is decaying.
…
A
That would be bad.
B
Much more damaging. And all equally as probable as me passing gas. But if we immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s me, we may not find the real issue. Like a rotting family of mice above the kitchen.
…
A
We need to call the exterminator. Right now.
B
Probably a good idea.
A pulls out their phone and starts to dial:
A
Why are you so calm?
B
Those smells can all get fixed. What you can’t repair is someone’s integrity.
A
Well I’m very very very sorry for accusing you of farting. Does your integrity feel better?
B
Like a million bucks.
A
Now can you call the plumber? I’m already on hold with pest contr—
A gets off hold.
A
Wait—hello?
Hi yes I was wondering if we could get a house inspection, we may be smelling something in the wall…
A gets up and goes into the kitchen to take the call.
A few moments later, B rips a loud fart.