Drive-think
January 11th, 2021
Starring: Patron (20-60), Voice, Employee (25-35)
A gloomy late afternoon. A fast food drive-thru. Patron pulls up to the order voice box:
PATRON
Hi how are you today?
No response. The sound of low breathing.
PATRON
Um
Hello?
Did you hear me?
VOICE
yes
PATRON
...does that mean you’re ready for my order?
VOICE
yes
…
PATRON
ok
I’ll have a number four. With a Barq’s.
...
VOICE
anything else
PATRON
Um...no?
VOICE
6.66, second window—
PATRON
Wait yes—
VOICE
second window—
PATRON
No. I’m not moving. Not until I get an apology.
VOICE
...for
PATRON
I’m not some piece of meat.
VOICE
you just ordered one
PATRON
So I deserve to get treated like it? Fat chance!
VOICE
after eating this you have a fat chance
PATRON
Doubt you’re doing so great either, drive-thru pal.
VOICE
that’s a value judgment
PATRON
You’re telling me this is your goal?
VOICE
my job is not my worth
PATRON
What about how you treat others? Is that fair?
VOICE
fair only counts in baseballs and counties
PATRON
Where’s your manager?
VOICE
suffering
PATRON
Well tell whoever they are I was having a great day. Now I’m suffering.
VOICE
that we can all share
…
I am sorry
not to you but for you
that you must live
that you must endure
that you were born at all
…
second window
Patron is speechless, but puts the car back in drive and slowly turns around the corner. The first window has a set of open black curtains. In the dim light, Patron can see the outline of a shadowy figure in a headset. A thunder clap booms, and the curtains are drawn. Patron stops to look, but gives up and drives to the second window, where a cheery looking Employee, wearing a headset, passes Patron their bag of food.
EMPLOYEE
Number four with a Barq’s!
PATRON
Uh thanks
Were you the one...on the headset?
EMPLOYEE
Oh no, we just switched shifts.
PATRON
Do you have a manager I could speak with?
EMPLOYEE
You just did. That was who I switched with!
Pause. Employee hands Patron another bag, this time very heavy:
EMPLOYEE
And here’s your extra sauce!
PATRON
I didn’t ask for—
EMPLOYEE
Enjoy your meal!
The window slams. The car behind Patron honks, and Patron drives into a parking space. From the “extra sauce” bag, Patron pulls out a heavy, leather bound book. Patron squints at the cover:
PATRON
Who the hell is Schopenhauer?