Pigeons
March 27th, 2021
Starring: Chaim (male, mid/late 20’s), Dan (male, mid/late 20’s)
A back alley/parking lot, a few doors down from the local Chabad house. Chaim and Dan sit against a brick wall, Chaim in his Hasidic garb (coat, pants, hat, etc.), Dan is wearing slacks and a blue t-shirt, with the Apple logo on the front.
In front of them are a flock of pigeons, pecking away at the crumbs of challah bread Chaim is feeding them:
DAN
Bunch of addicts.
You’re spoiling them.
CHAIM
Let all who are hungry, come and eat.
DAN
They look full to me.
CHAIM
Not for me to say.
DAN
You know, past a certain weight, they can blow up.
CHAIM
No they can’t.
DAN
Oh, they can. There are videos. Their insides can’t handle the internal pressure, so they’ll just...boom.
CHAIM
Rough way to go.
DAN
I’ll say.
Can you picture that for humans?
Would put some spectacle into body shaming.
CHAIM
You know I can’t laugh at that.
DAN
I forgive you.
…
…
All geared up for this week?
CHAIM
As best I can.
DAN
Heard you’re leading it tomorrow. Seder one. The big table, primetime.
CHAIM
Where’d you hear that?
DAN
I have my sources.
CHAIM
Who?
DAN
I just know.
I’m proud of you, you deserve it.
…
CHAIM
Co.
I’m co-leading.
DAN
Who with?
CHAIM
Ira.
DAN
I don’t know an Ira.
CHAIM
He’s new.
Not new, but he moved here. He joined after you.
DAN
Hm.
Nice guy?
CHAIM
Very.
DAN
Friend or foe?
CHAIM
Friend.
With a healthy dose of competition.
DAN
A frenemy.
CHAIM
Except he’s too pious to harbor any ill-feelings towards me.
DAN
So like a friendemy.
CHAIM
Sounds good.
...
DAN
So what does that make me? A heretic?
CHAIM
Stop it—
DAN
Around the corner, tucked out of sight. Subtle.
CHAIM
You wanted out. You’re out. You can’t expect that you’re welcome there.
DAN
I don't want to be. I only hoped for a cushier catch-up.
CHAIM
Just be glad I’m here.
DAN
I know I know. God forbid you’re caught fraternizing with the goyishe defector. The wrath you’d incur—
CHAIM
There is. I am risking a lot.
DAN
I know.
You'd lose those co-leader privileges, no doubt. Ira would overtake you for golden boy.
CHAIM
He might anyway.
DAN
So why try? If you know the risk, why haven’t you dropped me?
CHAIM
You’re my friend. My first one. Maybe my only one.
Hard to let go of that.
…
DAN
You’re curious about my life. Admit it.
…
CHAIM
I am. Sometimes the genius bar sounds nice.
DAN
It’s still pretty shitty.
Dan points around the corner, towards the Chabad house:
DAN
But compared to that? With all of them?
Dan then points to the pigeons:
DAN
They’re like them. Bloated and homogenous, mindlessly coming back for more and more.
CHAIM
And you exploded.
DAN
I did.
So could you, if you wanted. You see it. There’s another way to live, and it’s ok.
It’s better. So much better.
…
You can still come to the dark side.
We have cookies. All leavened, all the time.
Chaim smiles and gets up, dusting off his pants and coat. He turns to Dan and offers out his hand. Dan grabs Chaim’s hand and grips, like they’re about to arm wrestle. They let go.
CHAIM
Chag sameach, Dan.
DAN
You too. Lead them to the promised land.
Chaim nods and disappears around the corner, back to Chabad.
DAN (to himself)
Or don’t.
Dan looks down at the pigeons. In a quick jerky move, he sprints at them, making them all scatter. As he walks toward his car, Dan turns to see the pigeons have flocked back towards the challah bits, starting to peck away again. He laughs.