Rabbithole
March 28th, 2021
Starring: Ally (female, teens/20’s), The Mad-gician (male, 40-60), Cashier (30’s)
The pet store. The whole place is empty, save for Ally. Even the Cashier “will be back in 5,” per the sign on the register. Ally is in the food aisle, looking through the stacks of 30-pound kibble bags. She browses the labels. Indecision looms. She eventually settles for a brand on a lower shelf. She attempts to deadlift the bag into her cart, hoisting the bag onto one knee, then flipping the bag from her knee onto the cart. She's successful getting the bag onto the knee, but in the transition to the cart, mishandles the drop, causing the bag to hit the edge of the cart. The bag rips open, dropping hundreds of kibble pellets onto the floor.
Ally stands there for a few silent moments, in a state of stunned self-hatred. She pokes her head out of the aisle and looks to see if the Cashier is back from the register. They aren’t.
Ally looks to the front door, considering leaving the store altogether. Her conscience gets the better of her. Instead, she walks timidly towards the double cafeteria-style doors, into the back/employee area. She pushes through. On the other side is a large stock room, with palettes of food and supplies.
ALLY
H—Hello?
No answer. In the corner, Ally spies what appears to be a janitorial closet. Upon opening, she finds the closet full of cleaning supplies, including a broom and dustpan, hanging on pegs on the wall.
She takes the broom down, but strangely, the dustpan won’t budge. She pulls, but still no give. She puts the broom down and pulls on the dustpan with both hands, using a foot on the wall for leverage. The dustpan moves, but doesn’t come off the wall. Instead, it pulls down like a light switch. The entire back panel of the closet screeches open, revealing a metal staircase leading down into the dark. Little to lose, Ally swallows her fear and walks down.
The stairway leads to a small cellar, lit with one fluorescent bulb. Taking up the vast majority of the space is what appears to be kid’s play pen, filled with at least 100 rabbits. They’re all of uniform shape, size, and color: small, white, with pinkish-reddish eyes. Next to the pen is a large whiteboard with dates, dollar amounts, and cities (Osaka, Kinshasa, Perth) scribbled all over. Ally kneels down to the pen, getting closer to the rabbits’ level. One notices her and comes up to the edge of the metal bars, sniffing her hand. Ally reaches out a finger to touch it:
THE MAD-GICIAN
Lost?
Ally wheels around to see The Mad-gician, wearing a full three-piece suit and black top hat.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Who are you?
ALLY
Uh
Who are you?
THE MAD-GICIAN
I asked you first. Explain yourself.
ALLY
I think you should.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Why?
ALLY
Or I’ll report you to the FBI for animal smuggling.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Animal smuggler?! You really think—?
ALLY
Isn’t it obvious?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Dear me, no!
ALLY
It’s obvious to me.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Your obvious is mistaken.
ALLY
Then maybe your obvious should explain itself.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Well...isn’t my obvious obvious?
I deal in rabbits.
I breed them, feed them, and when they’re ready, I sell them.
ALLY
Is it legal?
THE MAD-GICIAN
No.
ALLY
Is it illegal?
THE MAD-GICIAN
No.
ALLY
Then what is it?
THE MAD-GICIAN
It is.
ALLY
It is?
THE MAD-GICIAN
It is it is.
Everyone benefits, not a soul harmed.
ALLY
Why do people want your rabbits?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Ha! Well isn’t it obvious?
ALLY
To you.
THE MAD-GICIAN
To you too.
ALLY
Where?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Your subconscious, of course.
ALLY
How?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Have you been to a magic show?
ALLY
Yes.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Then surely you’ve seen the magician pull a rabbit out of a hat.
ALLY
Yes.
THE MAD-GICIAN
What color was the rabbit?
ALLY
White. White, with a pinkish nose.
THE MAD-GICIAN
See, you see! The obvious can be obvious even if you’re oblivious.
ALLY
You sell hat rabbits?
THE MAD-GICIAN
All over the world.
ALLY
So any time any magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat—?
THE MAD-GICIAN
It came from right here.
ALLY
All of them?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Are you doubtful?
ALLY
Well I don’t know. Maybe there are other hat rabbiters.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Are you aware of any?
ALLY
No.
THE MAD-GICIAN
I suppose it’s just me then!
...
It's quite niche, I understand. But people need me. A magician's no good without a good rabbit.
ALLY
I suppose.
…
It’s strange. That you even exist. Hat rabbits aren’t something one needs knowing about unless you need a hat rabbit. Nobody thinks about it, except the ones that do.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Most things aren’t meant for everyone to know.
ALLY
You think?
THE MAD-GICIAN
I know. If everyone knew everyone’s place, no one would have one.
ALLY
So how do I find it? My place?
THE MAD-GICIAN
Oh, heaven knows.
Perhaps you’ve got to stumble down more holes.
The Mad-gician pulls off his hat and reaches his hand in.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Poke around, see what’s inside.
Of course, he pulls out a white rabbit, the same one Ally was about to pet. He holds it out for her.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Something to remember me by.
Ally takes the rabbit, cuddling it in her hands.
THE MAD-GICIAN
Now no FBI calls, would you please? I’ve got an urgent sale to San Salvador.
And I believe you’ve got a spill requiring some attention?
Before Ally can ask, The Mad-gician does some jazz hands:
THE MAD-GICIAN
Magic.
Now if you wouldn't mind...?
Ally takes a moment, then slowly walks with her rabbit past The Mad-gician to the bottom of the stairwell. She nods, and he tips his hat, turning to the whiteboard, frantically writing more numbers and formulas. Ally runs up the stairs, emerging from the janitor’s closet. She switches the dustpan switch, and the back panel reseals. She walks out through the storage room and through the swinging doors, back into the store. When she reaches the food aisle, the mess has been cleaned, the kibble bag neatly placed into her cart. Ally wheels her cart to the register, where the cashier is back:
ALLY
Sorry did you um—?
CASHIER
Yes?
ALLY
The kibble?
CASHIER
Aisle seven.
ALLY
Yes but did you...?
The Cashier stares back, confused.
ALLY
Nevermind.
Just checking out.
The cashier nods, scanning the bag of kibble:
CASHIER
Find all you were looking find today?
…
ALLY
No. Not at all.