SME
March 6th, 2021
Starring: Ramsey (male, 17-20), Rory (female, 12)
Rory’s room. Door is closed. Rory has just finished sorting her allotted amount of Girl Scout cookies. Each pile is stacked and sorted by flavor, perfectly settled on her bed. She steps back, surveying her work, proud.
Right then, Ramsey (in a hoodie, shorts, slippers, and a Supreme hat), opens the door. Rory runs to the door, pressing her back against it, trying to keep him out. Ramsey, far stronger than her, is trying to push through without hurting her.
RORY
Ramsey, no—!
RAMSEY
Ror—
RORY
I already said, you can’t have any—!
RAMSEY
Will you chill out—?
RORY
Ramsey get out of my room—!
RAMSEY
Just shutup for one second!
Ramsey finally bursts through. He’s carrying a whiteboard in one hand, cradling his laptop in his armpit:
RORY
DAD!!!
RAMSEY
I don’t want any cookies. I want to make you rich.
RORY
Selling cookies isn’t about making money.
RAMSEY
It isn’t?
RORY
No. It’s about fanning the young femme entrepreneurial flame.
RAMSEY
Is that what they tell you?
RORY
I believe it.
RAMSEY
It’s about money. It’s always about money.
RORY
Please leave—
RAMSEY
Just listen. You’ll like it, you’ll feel entrepreneurial and empowered, or whatever.
Ramsey puts down his stuff, opening up his laptop. He shows Rory an Excel spreadsheet, along with an accompanying graph. It's very detailed, each with a corresponding color.
RORY
What am I looking at?
RAMSEY
Last year’s national cookie sales. For the TSTTDs.
RORY
Ramsey—
RAMSEY
Hold on, I’m explaining.
TSTTD, or the “tasteds,” is an acronym:
Ramsey takes out the whiteboard and marker, drawing out the names as he speaks them:
RAMSEY
TM-Thin Mints.
SM-Samoas.
TGL-Tagalongs.
TFE-Trefoils.
DSD-Do-si-dos.
Now, as you know, these are your five perennial, value, blue-chip cookies. You love them, I love them, they make kids fat, and the Girl Scout Association’s pockets fatter.
He gestures to the graph’s upward trajectories:
RAMSEY
See? Solid dividends, consistent returns. You can’t lose with them.
RORY
I know what sells—
RAMSEY
I’m not done.
Now, as you also know, these are not all the cookies the GSA churns out every year. There are five more flavors. But we don’t have a tasty little acronym for them. Why? Because their sales look like this:
He pulls up another graph. This time, all the lines are low and staying low, even dipping lower.
RAMSEY
Dogcrap.
Some sell like dogcrap because they’re new and unproven, some sell like dogcrap because they’re gluten-free, and there are others that sell like dogcrap because—well—they’re dogcrap. They even look like it.
RORY
What...
Ramsey points to the smaller brown pile of boxes, on the edge of her bed.
RORY
S’mores?
RAMSEY
Yep. Good old SME.
RORY
We never sell out of those.
RAMSEY
How interesting. Seems like you’re not alone. Nationally, it’s been bottom of the barrel in sales for years, and only climbing lower.
RORY
Some people buy them.
RAMSEY
But enough to stay afloat?
Come on, you know the game. When a cookie sells badly for too long, what does the GSA do?
RORY
...replaces it with a new flavor.
RAMSEY
Correcto. Which is exactly what they’re planning to do.
RORY
How do you know?
RAMSEY
I just know.
It got leaked to someone, who told their sister, who told a guy on my Fortnite squad, who told me.
…
Fine, you don’t have to believe.
RORY
You’re an idiot, I can’t just believe you.
Even if it is, who cares? It’s one bad flavor, they’ll just put in another one.
RAMSEY
And that, Rory, is where you’re an idiot. This isn’t the status quo. This is a goldmine.
Ramsey pulls up yet another chart.
RAMSEY
Public domain records of the cookie manufacturers. Take a look at the SME production numbers last year, and the year before that. Look at the drop-off! Factor those drop-offs into this year, and you’re looking at a very, very limited volume available. It’s like a limited-edition cookie, and nobody’s noticing!
RORY
So yeah...you said they’re moving on from it.
RAMSEY
But that’s not all. It’s not the GSA who sets cookie prices, it’s the regional troop councils, right? Well take a look at the Price-Per-Box numbers. Last year, the SME PPB sat at almost 89 cents less per box, per council! Do you see what this means???
They’re not just moving on from it, they’re giving it away. They’re smothering it! The GSA and the manufacturers are betting on SME making no money!
RORY
That sounds like smart supply and demand. Put the money into the TSTTDs, and everyone benefits.
RAMSEY
Not when 25% of net revenue goes back to them. They say the rest goes to local groups and councils, but much of it is really going back into your pockets? If everyone was making the same amount of money, why can’t your troop still not afford that ropes course weekend getaway?
RORY
I...I don’t know...
RAMSEY
It’s rigged, Rory. You should have every opportunity to make the most money you can, but they’re taking that chance away from you. They say you’re in control, but you aren’t. You’re just a pawn in their game.
RORY
I’m not a pawn. I’m a queen.
RAMSEY
Damn straight.
RORY
So...what do I do?
RAMSEY
Well...first, you have to accept that you’re a small fish in a big pond, and you can only do so much on your own. You’ll never beat them, but you can show them who’s in charge.
RORY
How?
RAMSEY
I showed you.
...
RORY
SME?
RAMSEY
They think it’s dogcrap. They want it to sell like dogcrap. And they’re relying on you to sell it like dogcrap. So what can you do?
RORY
Um...make it sell not like dogcrap?
RAMSEY
Not only. You make it sell like it’s the shit.
RORY
So...I should sell more S’mores boxes?
RAMSEY
All of them.
RORY
What?
RAMSEY
Don’t sell anything else. Tell your troop to give back every single flavor that isn’t SME, and have them buy as many boxes as the council will let you. Because of the supply, they’ll let you buy a lot, and for cheap.
But you don’t sell. Not yet.
Next, you tell every other troop you know to do the same-buy, buy, buy. Make SME the dominant cookie available in the region. You’ll saturate the market so much, other troops and councils will have to notice. Even other states! And slowly but surely, you’ll force their hand. The demand will be so high, manufacturers will be forced to produce more, and the councils will have to increase the PPB. And most average folks, desperate for any kind of cookie they can get their hands on, will be looking to buy. It’ll become a craze.
And then, when the SME craze has reached peak, and the people want these dogcraps most, you sell. Sell every last box.
RORY
But then the GSA—
RAMSEY
Sure, the higher ups will get some profit. But they’ll be so busy trying to make more SME, and worrying about the mountain of TSTTD boxes that didn’t sell this year, they’ll take a massive loss.
But that’s not on you. You and your troop decided to only sell one cookie, and you sold out. You don’t take a loss. You make gains. Bokoo bucks. Your own ropes course, if you wanted.
...
It sounds bonkers. But here’s your chance, Ror. Here’s your shot to show what femme entrepreneurship really looks like. Make history.
…
…
Rory stands there, thinking it through. She looks at her cookies, piled on the bed. Her eyes narrow. She goes to the closet and puts on her scout vest, adorned with patches and badges.
RORY
I need a ride. In Dad’s minivan.
RAMSEY
Where to?
RORY
Door-to-door carpool. Rounding up the troop, emergency meeting.
RAMSEY
You got it.
RORY
I'm getting the S’mores, you start the car.
We’re sending this dogcrap sky-high.
RAMSEY
To the moon.
RORY
What?
RAMSEY
To the moon.
It’s the saying.
RORY
So is sky-high.
RAMSEY
I know but...
RORY
What?
Ramsey grins.
RAMSEY
Nevermind.
Rory grabs the S’mores on her bed and makes a kangaroo pouch with her shirt, putting the boxes in. She balances them and she sprints out of the room and runs down the stairs. Ramsey grabs his whiteboard and laptop. He spies a box of Samoas and, unable to help himself, pries it open, eating a few. Bliss.
RORY (voice)
RAMSEY!!
RAMSEY (mouth full)
COMING!!
Ramsey eats one more, then throws down the box, sprinting out the room and downstairs, to the car.