The Cis Tee
February 25th, 2021
Starring: Golfer 1 & 2 (male, late 20’s/early 30’s), Beverage Attendant (female, mid 20’s)
A golf course. The sixth hole tee box. The golfers sit in their cart, waiting for the group in front of them to finish the hole before they begin. As they wait, they sip from their cans of light beer, in koozies. Drink Attendant, approaching from the end of the hole, drives up to the tee box and stops the beverage cart.
BEVERAGE ATTENDANT
Hi!
GOLFER 1
Hello.
GOLFER 2
Hello.
BEVERAGE ATTENDANT
Either of you need something?
GOLFER 1
Um...I’m still working on this one.
GOLFER 2
Same here.
BEVERAGE ATTENDANT
Alright...well I’ll be back ‘round!
She drives away. Golfer 1 watches her drive off.
GOLFER 1
Dang.
GOLFER 2
What?
GOLFER 1
Her.
GOLFER 2
Ah.
GOLFER 1
Nice body.
No?
GOLFER 2
Yeah.
I think she used to be a he.
…
GOLFER 1
Her?
GOLFER 2
Yeah.
GOLFER 1
No…
GOLFER 2
Totally.
GOLFER 1
I would’ve known.
GOLFER 2
You didn’t.
GOLFER 1
Where’s the evidence?
GOLFER 2
Evidence? What do you want, a physiological breakdown? I could tell.
GOLFER 1
You’re fucking with me.
GOLFER 2
Why would I fuck with you?
GOLFER 1
Because sometimes you’re a fucker. You like getting in my head.
…
GOLFER 2
I mean...would it be such a bad thing?
GOLFER 1
I never said that. If it’s true, I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m straight. She’s a woman, and I like women.
GOLFER 2
So ask her out.
GOLFER 1
What?
GOLFER 2
You said you liked her. The next time she comes around, you should ask her out.
GOLFER 1
No.
GOLFER 2
Why not?
GOLFER 1
Because that’s weird.
GOLFER 2
Because she used to be a he?
GOLFER 1
No! Because she’s the drink cart person, and I don’t know her. It’s inappropriate.
GOLFER 2
You asked out a bartender three weeks ago.
GOLFER 1
That was different.
GOLFER 2
You knew she had always been a woman—
GOLFER 1
But that’s not the reason I decided to ask her out.
GOLFER 2
Why did you?
GOLFER 1
We talked the whole night, we had a connection!
GOLFER 2
What if you and our beverage server aren’t soulmates? Can’t know until you try.
GOLFER 1
I’m not interested.
But it’s not because of...like it’s not some subliminal turn-off that she might’ve been a different gender.
…
GOLFER 2
Ok.
But if it was subliminal, how would you know?
GOLFER 1
Because I know.
...
It’s just not what I’m looking for right now.
A relationship, I mean.
Pause. The group ahead of them has finished.
GOLFER 2
We should hit.
Golfer 1 grabs his club and ball and gets ready to tee off. He settles over the ball. As he starts his backswing:
GOLFER 2
Hey look she’s coming back—!
Golfer 1 balks on his swing, shanking his shot way way way off the fairway into the bushes. He looks around for the beverage cart, but it’s nowhere to be found. He looks to Golfer 2, who smirks like an idiot.
GOLFER 1
Oh fuck off.