The Uptick
February 26th, 2021
Starring: A & B
A is sitting around, lazy. B comes from the bathroom, a bit hurried:
B
Can you look at this?
A
What’s wrong?
B
I think there’s a new mole.
A
Where?
B
Look.
B turns their back to A and bends down their ear A gets up and looks:
B
See it?
A
No.
B
Right above the earlobe.
…
A
Oh. That small thing?
B
I don’t know, I feel it.
…
It’s a mole right?
A
I don’t know.
B
Does it look like a mole?
A
It’s round. Kind of dark.
B
So you think it’s a mole?
A
Maybe.
…
Unless it’s a tick, or something.
B
A tick?
A
Sometimes ticks go behind ears, right?
B
Do they?!
A
I heard that before.
B
We—we were hiking. Two weekends ago
Oh my god
A
Wait a sec—
B
Touch it.
A
Just hold on—
B
Touch it! Try and see if it scrapes off!
A
Okok—
B
Gogo this thing’s been sucking on me!
A tries to scratch/pick it off.
B
Owowshityournails—!
A
You told me to scrape it!
B
Not that hard!
A
Sorrysorry…
B
Is it coming off?
A
No. I don’t think it’s a tick.
B
So it’s a mole. Shit.
A
A mole’s better than a tick.
B
No it’s not. This is my third mole this month.
A
And…?
B
That could mean cancer.
…
A
No—
B
Like one of those basal cells—
A
What are the chances of that?
B
High, actually. I looked up the prevalence.
A
WebMD isn’t going to help.
B
It was Mayo Clinic, and they’re a hell of a lot more qualified than you!
A
Okay! If you’re that worried about it, make a doctor’s appointment.
B
No.
A
For god’s sake—
B
It’s not safe.
A
What…?
B
Their office is in the hospital treating all the virus patients—
A
THEN FIND ANOTHER ONE! OR DON’T, AND DIE OF CANCER! OR LYME DISEASE! OR CORONA!
THE WHOLE WORLD’S OUT TO KILL YOU OGGITYBOOGITYBOO!!
…
…
…
Sorry—
B
No I’m sorry. I forgot being health-and-safety conscious is offensive—
A
But at what point does all the worrying become more unhealthy? Like the anxiety level’s—
B
Insane. I’m aware.
But I can’t help it. There’s so much stress and suffering out there. I can’t not want to know I’m ok.
A
You can’t. There’s no 100% way of knowing at every given moment we’re ok.
We can be pretty damn sure, but we can’t be certain. That’s being mortal.
B
I guess...
I’d just like to stick around.
A
Yeah.
I’d like that too.
…
You should see a dermatologist. If you’re still worried.
B
Only if you cut your nails.
A
Done. I’ll grab the clippers.
A goes to get the clippers from the bathroom.
B bends their ear down and feels around, pressing, prodding.