Commencement
May 17th, 2020
Starring: The Graduate
The Graduate ascends to the podium, in full regalia. They tap the microphone lightly.
THE GRADUATE
I decided I would write a poem for this occasion. It’s called “Towel.”
I hope you like it. You might not.
Ahem.
…
“I stare at Dustin Hoffman through a dirty computer screen
He’s in SCUBA gear
So cute and innocent
With his flippers and mask with tunnel vision
The poor soul, in the deep end of the pool
A metal tank on his back
All alone, breathing
Underwater
I walk by a SCUBA shop so I can too
It’s closed
I drown
Dustin Hoffman never graduated
But his eyes make it seem like he has
He is good at acting
Very good
I want to jump inside Dustin Hoffman
I want to hear what Dustin hears and think what Dustin thinks
I want to feel Dustin sweat when Mrs. Robinson reveals herself
I want to harness the pride when Dustin sees himself onscreen
I want Dusty’s fame
I want Dusty’s fortune
I want Dusty’s SCUBA tank
Dustin Hoffman has a big Hollywood movie star house
With a barbed wire fence and pruned hedges and gate with a callbox
And a big, deep pool
I want to jump in
So I do
And when his security detail fishes me from the deep end
They will set me down in a pool chair that costs three full credit hours
And as we wait for the police to arrive
I kindly ask for a towel
Hand me a towel
Hand me a towel
Hand me a towel that can blot the stinging sensation of suck seeping slowly from every pore
Please?
I’m handed nothing
And as the water drips and the sirens howl through the canyons of California
Dustin Hoffman hears nothing.
He is fast asleep.”
…
Congratulations Class of 2020.
Go get ‘em.