My Aim Is True
May 1st, 2020
Starring: Seth (male, early 30’s), Detective Janice, (female, 50’s)
A weekend morning. A knock at the door. Seth, still in his sleeping garb, opens it, revealing Detective Janice.
SETH
Hello.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Good morning.
Are you Mr. Hairston?
SETH
I am.
DETECTIVE JANICE
I’m Detective Janice.
Do you mind if I come in?
SETH
Sure thing.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Is anyone else home?
SETH
My fiance's sleeping.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Allison?
SETH
Uh, yeah. Yes.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Do you think we could sit?
SETH
Sure. Whatever’s best.
…
DETECTIVE JANICE
Mr. Hairston, I’m here because we received a 911 call.
We thought it was best to investigate.
SETH
Oh...I wasn’t aware.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Mr. Hairston, when was the last time you used the restroom?
SETH
...last night.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Around what time would you say?
SETH
Before bed. 11, 11:05 maybe?
DETECTIVE JANICE
And this was a urination or a defecation?
SETH
Urination. I’m a...morning defecator.
DETECTIVE JANICE
And would you say you were...accurate in your urination? No tricklage?
SETH
Of course.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Enough to do so with the seat down?
SETH
Always. I like to think of myself as a sharpshooter.
DETECTIVE JANICE
Mhm.
SETH
Sorry, was that an...mhm?
DETECTIVE JANICE
Mhm.
...
Mr. Hairston, early this morning your fiance woke up with a full bladder and went to relieve herself. She saw that the seat was down, and neglected to turn on the light. When she sat, she found herself sitting on a seat thoroughly doused with an even coating of urine.
At 2:37am, the 911 call was placed.
SETH
Huh...that’s funny.
DETECTIVE JANICE
What is?
SETH
The coincidence.
DETECTIVE JANICE
That’s funny.
I find it funny too.
…
SETH
Is there something you’re implying, detective?
DETECTIVE JANICE
I believe you know what I’m implying, Mr. Hairston.
SETH
That’s quite an implication. Are you sure you want to make it?
DETECTIVE JANICE
Is that a threat?
SETH
Not at all. But I have the right to defend the accuracy you’re placing into question.
Any upholder of the law should understand that.
DETECTIVE JANICE
I do. You’re innocent until proven guilty.
I look forward to proving it.
SETH
Fair enough.
But as Elvis Costello would say, my aim is true.
Detective Janice gets up, smiling, and walks to the door.
DETECTIVE JANICE
You’re a clever one, Mr. Hairston.
I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon.
Seth smiles back, waving goodbye.
SETH
Until then, detective.
So long.