On Display
May 30th, 2020
Starring: Duchess (female), Duke (male), Museum Guard
A gallery in an art museum. Some of the works may be recognizable. The only outlier is on one small portion of the wall. Where a framed picture should be, there is a large notecard with the words “JUST STOLEN” written in black magic marker. Duke and Duchess are staring at it, speaking in excited, yet “museum appropriate” hushed tones:
DUKE
Is this some type of prank?
DUCHESS
I’m trying to parse that out myself, dearest.
Whatever it is, it’s marvelous.
DUKE
It’s horrific! A painting was stolen!
DUCHESS
Perhaps that’s exactly what the artist wants us to think.
Do you think there’s a remote possibility that what we’re looking at is in fact the art?
DUKE
But it says—
DUCHESS
But why would a museum advertise that so apparently? And so…primitively?
DUKE
Perhaps they haven’t had time. It does say “just” stolen…
DUCHESS
I think it’s an art piece.
DUKE
If it’s art, then where’s the placard about the artist?
DUCHESS
Perhaps the absence of a placard is yet another layer to trick the viewer into believing that it isn’t art?!
DUKE
Whatever would be the purpose of that?
DUCHESS
Darling, I’m trying to parse that out.
But something about it holds me rapt with attention.
DUKE
You enjoy that.
I’m off to look at the water lilies.
Duke exits. Duchess stares at the card.
DUCHESS
It’s brilliant.
I don’t know why it’s brilliant, but it’s brilliant.
It’s the next Duchamp urinal!
The Koons bunny!
The Art Basel banana!
...
I must have it.
Duchess turns to a Museum Guard, who is standing in the gallery entryway.
DUCHESS
Excuse me.
MUSEUM GUARD
Yes?
DUCHESS
Is this for sale?
MUSEUM GUARD
Is what for sale?
DUCHESS
This. The card, the lack of placard, the whole kit and kaboodle.
MUSEUM GUARD
It’s not for sale.
DUCHESS
But I’m a donor!
MUSEUM GUARD
Oh. Well that’s different. Then everything in this gallery is up for grabs.
Except this, unfortunately.
DUCHESS
But I want this. This is what I want. I’ll fund a new wing if that’s what it takes!
MUSEUM GUARD
We’d be appreciative of that, miss.
DUCHESS
Done. So may I have it?
MUSEUM GUARD
No, miss.
DUCHESS
Whyever not?!?!
MUSEUM GUARD
…It’s not art.
The painting was stolen this morning, this is all we could manage.
DUCHESS
Ah.
I see.
You may run along, now.
Museum Guard leaves.
Duchess stares at the notecard, mournfully. There’s a lump in her throat. A single tear.
…
…
Shite.