Shootout
June 30th, 2020
Starring: Herald & Gazette
A prairie. The theme from “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” plays. Two reporters stand across from the other. They’re dressed in full Western getup, but still wear their media credential lanyards. Silence, staring. When they speak, it’s in heavy Southern dialect:
HERALD
Before we get goin....lemme just say you got a good publication runnin over there.
GAZETTE
As do you.
Shame we gotta do this.
HERALD
Just business, I suppose.
GAZETTE
Fair nuff.
HERALD
So we done with the chitchat?
GAZETTE
If you are.
HERALD
You can shoot first.
GAZETTE
That’s mighty kind.
Best of luck to ya.
Herald lightly tips their hat. They turn away from each other and walk a few more paces. They stop and turn, facing each other again. They pull out their little notebooks and pens, slowly. Their dialects vanish:
GAZETTE
Your first published article in 1999 used the word “handicapped” 6 times.
Herald staggers back, almost toppling over.
HERALD
As a kid, you used a person with a disability’s ramp instead of the stairs for no reason.
Gazette holds their leg, hobbling on one foot.
GAZETTE
You refused to try a Korean pear because it “looked moldy.”
Herald gets the wind knocked out of them.
HERALD
You asked for a kimono for christmas when you were seven.
Gazette doubles over.
GAZETTE
You put a height requirement on your OkCupid profile.
Herald yelps like they’ve just been burned.
HERALD
Your spouse attended a toga party in college.
Gazette starts seeing stars.
GAZETTE
You stood and removed your hat for the national anthem at a 2006 baseball game.
Herald’s ankles break. They slither towards Gazette.
HERALD
You know all the words to 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop,” but call yourself a feminist.
Gazette’s ACLs simultaneously tear. They seal walk towards Herald.
GAZETTE
You’ve only watched one Spike Lee movie!
Herald starts frothing at the mouth.
HERALD
You’ve watched every Woody Allen movie!
Gazette barfs uncontrollably.
GAZETTE
You danced to R. Kelly at your cousin’s wedding!
Herald’s intestines become soup as they reach Herald.
HERALD
You owned a Celebrity Apprentice t-shirt!
Gazette’s brain fries as they reach Gazette.
They are both indistinguishable puddles, yelling at the place where the other’s face should be:
GAZETTE & HERALD
YOU’RE A BAD, BAD JOURNALIST!!!!!
They both drop dead.