The Weigh-In
May 26th, 2020
Starring: Bud and Pal
Bud and Pal enter from opposite ways. Bud drags on a large, old-fashioned scale, one with a balance on each side. Google “old fashioned balance scale,” if you’re confused:
BUD
Hi pal
PAL
Sup bud
BUD
You ready for some killer coffee and conversation?
PAL
You know it. A lot to talk about?
BUD
You have no idea.
PAL
Ha, now I do.
…
Who’s your friend?
BUD
It’s my scale.
PAL
It’s super ornate. Where’d you find it?
BUD
I don’t know. I think it found me.
PAL
Makes sense. What does it do?
BUD
Weighs stuff.
PAL
Like…?
BUD
Emotional baggage, mainly.
…
PAL
Can we try?
BUD
I thought you’d never ask!
Bud moves the scale behind them, but between them. They stare at each other, in profile, for a good amount of time. The scale does its thing. It seems equal, but it might be hard to tell.
They stare at the results.
BUD
Well there you have it.
PAL
Who could’ve guessed...even baggage!
BUD
Well—
PAL
It’s equal on both sides.
BUD
Eh—
PAL
Looks pretty even to me.
BUD
Well I’ve done this a bunch, and I can tell when it’s leaning slightly.
And it is. Towards me.
PAL
As in you have more baggage?
BUD
Not necessarily, just heavier. By a tad.
PAL
Seems kind of subjective.
BUD
But this makes it objective.
PAL
Well, to you.
How do I know this thing isn’t rigged to always give you more emotional baggage?
BUD
Why would I want that?
PAL
Emotional baggage is the highest form of currency, you know that!
BUD
Pish posh, you’re just jealous.
PAL
I can’t be jealous if our baggage weighs the same!
BUD
IT DOESN’T!
PAL
TO YOU IT DOESN’T!
BUD
If anything, you’re just in denial about having LESS baggage so YOU can have MORE baggage than ME.
PAL
And you’re probably hoping I do that so you can leverage it into creating MORE inner turmoil to generate EVEN MORE BAGGAGE for YOU!
BUD
Oh, go to hell, Pal!
PAL
Up yours, Bud!
They storm off, back the ways they came.
Just as they exit, the scale shifts. It’s exactly even now.