Friday Lunch
July 10th, 2020
Starring: Ike & Martín (male, both 80)
Florida. The usual diner. Ike and Martín sit at their usual booth, eating their usual things: Ike with tea, two scrambled eggs, and a fruit cup, Martín with coffee, a club sandwich, and home fries.
IKE
You never told me about the big birthday.
MARTÍN
Right! I was meaning to tell you. It was great. Beautiful, the whole family—
IKE
What did the grandkids do this year?
MARTÍN
Oh lord, it was crazy.
IKE
Better than a denture-filled piñata?
MARTÍN
Way better.
…
They got me a stripper.
IKE
A stripper?! No—
MARTÍN
Oh, yeah.
Everyone had left for dinner and I was getting ready for bed, and my doorbell rings. And I was confused, because everyone had just left. So I ask who it is and I hear “it’s the pizza man!” And I’m thinking...I didn’t order pizza. But I open it anyways and there’s this super cut guy in his underwear standing in my doorway. And he immediately starts doing all this lewd dancing in front of me! And after maybe a minute or something, he stops and says “Happy birthday....you old fart.” And then he winks and leaves down the driveway!
IKE
Haha!
MARTÍN
It’s called a stripper-gram. You pay some company to come do it.
IKE
I wish I could’ve seen your face!
MARTÍN
Total shock.
IKE
Shock’s good. Keeps the system going.
…
Well, you got a good bunch of grandkids, I know that.
MARTÍN
They are. I’m a lucky man.
…
How’s Mona?
IKE
Good.
Everything’s pretty normal.
She’s flying in in two weekends.
MARTÍN
Big plans?
IKE
Not usually. Maybe she’ll take me out to dinner. Outside of that just a crapton of card games.
MARTÍN
That’s beautiful.
IKE
For the first day. Then we get bored. Then we talk about how we’ve covered everything about each other's lives by now and there’s nothing left to discuss.
MARTÍN
Oh, bull—
IKE
No bull. Come on, I’m old, she’s pushing 60. She’s my only kid, and she has none of her own. Between us, we’ve got no spouses, no pets, nothing growing. We’ve hit the ceiling, and there’s nothing to be done. We laugh about it!
MARTÍN
Like really laugh about it?
IKE
Sometimes.
MARTÍN
That’s painful!
IKE
Exactly, painfully funny!
MARTÍN
Does she know you feel that?
IKE
I’d be surprised if she didn’t.
MARTÍN
But I thought you’d already talked about everything.
IKE
Yeah, well...what’s done is done, in that respect.
I still love her. I was never going to make her do anything she didn’t want to. Even if I did.
MARTÍN
Right.
Because you’re a good guy, Ike.
IKE
Thanks buddy.
MARTÍN
No. Look at me.
You’re the cream of the fucking crop, you know that?
IKE
I love you too.
MARTÍN
Lemme get the check, ok?
IKE
Oh no no, you don’t pity check me—
MARTÍN
I’m not pity checking you it’s my turn—
IKE
I didn’t get you squat for your birthday. Consider it your gift.
MARTÍN
You’re not getting me shit—
IKE
Save your money, I got it.
MARTÍN
Fine...I’ll get you a stripper-gram when Mona comes.
IKE
But—
MARTÍN
No buts.
Except the stripper’s.
…
There’s still plenty of time. Have some fun.
Deal?
IKE
Deal.
They continue on with their meal.