Steeplechase
August 30th, 2020
Starring: Priest (male, 60-80), Monk (male, 30-40)
Renaissance Europe. The bell tower of a church. Nearly 6am. Priest stares at the sun rising. Monk holds the bell rope, at the ready:
PRIEST
Aaaandddddddddddd
Now!
Monk rings the bells. It’s loud. The first toll rings out just before another bell is heard, not too far away. Over the sound, they whoop:
PRIEST
Haha!
MONK
We beat ‘em!
PRIEST
Well done.
I’ve always had a feeling you were quick on the draw.
MONK
Practiced a long time for this, father. My hands, they’re built for coarse rope. See?
PRIEST
Yes, more rugged than your predecessor. I’m just relieved to have gotten rid of that arthritic leper.
MONK
At least he’s found his true chosen people.
PRIEST
Amen.
MONK
So...what happens after this? Do we do like a celebratory breakfast bar or—
PRIEST
I reserve most of my pre-mass morning for plotting.
MONK
Plotting?
PRIEST
Yes. Too many of us around here. Tolling first doesn’t mean we’re de facto top dog.
MONK
No, of course not.
So what makes us top dog?
PRIEST
Getting bigger and staying bigger.
See their spire?
MONK
Yes.
PRIEST
See how shiny it is?
MONK
Yes.
PRIEST
It’s brand new. They switched out the original for “mandatory polishing.”
MONK
They did a nice job.
PRIEST
But now it’s taller. Than ours.
MONK
Really now?
Hard for the naked eye—
PRIEST
Clothe them with these.
Priest hands Monk some opera glasses, which he peers through.
MONK
Ah. Yes. It is slightly more erect.
PRIEST
And it’s making our church look flaccid. You know more than anyone that God smites the soft.
MONK
Amen.
Then...we need to get taller.
PRIEST
Much taller!
MONK
But not so much taller that it seems like we’re trying to be taller.
God also smites the self-indulgent.
PRIEST
Yes, yes, that’s well said.
…
But why shouldn’t we add a bit more length to our spire? Commission some kind of sculpture at the base of it? An innocuous virgin mary, perhaps?
MONK
Too forced.
PRIEST
A flag then, fashioned to the top. “For country.”
MONK
I feel like church and state is gonna die out. Just a feeling.
PRIEST
Well I’m stumped. You got anything?
MONK
Well.
I’m just the new guy but...if we can’t get taller top-down...maybe we can get taller bottom-up?
PRIEST
YES! Yesyesyes.
We say we’re doing some new construction. “Catacomb and crypt renovation!”
And then, when we get down there…
MONK
We raise the ground a few inches. That’s possible, right?
PRIEST
Sure. Peasants can do anything.
MONK
Right.
...
Well it sounds like a great plot to me.
For the betterment of the congregation, of course.
PRIEST
Everyone will love it.
MONK
God will love it.
PRIEST
I love it.
MONK
I love it too.
A pause. The two of them share a look, and its subsequent moment.
PRIEST
Well I should probably head down for mass—
MONK
No I probably should too—
PRIEST
After you—
MONK
Maybe I’ll wait a moment. Take in the view?
PRIEST
Yes. Take it in. See you in a moment.
Priest leaves. Monk looks out and smiles, uncontrollably. He grabs the bell rope and gives it one huge yank. A loud, large “dong” emanates.