Troll
August 29th, 2020
Starring: Brithwin (male, early 30’s), Saekash (male, early teens/prepubescent)
A online multiplayer open-world fantasy role-playing video game, or an MMORPG.
An elf avatar, Brithwin “the Able” (level 3 of 100, online username Rumpledore), arrives at a wooden bridge crossing over a rushing river. As they prepare to step onto the bridge, a hulking troll avatar appears, out from under the bridge. This is Saekash “da Killa” (level 94 of 100, online username LeaNCuisinE478). Note that when each avatar speaks, it is the voices of the avatar’s controllers, although they’re never seen:
SAEKASH
Looking to cross, fuckboi?
Brithwin shoots off two panic arrows, which bounce off Saekash.
SAEKASH
Don’t be fucking stupid
You’re wasting your inventory
Stop shooting at me
Hey turn your mic on
Turn your mic on bitch
I can see you’re plugged in
Bitch
Super bitch
Turn on your mic I want to hollar at you
Mega c***
I’m not gonna hurt you swear to fuckin god
Brithwin tries to run for the bridge. Saekash leaps 10 feet over Brithwin and blocks the entrance. We hear Brithwin’s mic turn on:
BRITHWIN
Can you not? This is a timed quest.
SAEKASH
Ooo the one where you have to go retrieve the crystal from the mine and then the dragon with the sticky vag lips comes out of nowhere?
BRITHWIN
Spoiler.
SAEKASH
You’re welcome, motherfucker
BRITHWIN
As stupid as it sounds, you should pick on someone your own level.
SAEKASH
Shit’s not fun anymore
I can fuck up anyone I want whenever man. I want to be with the new fuckers
Give em the shake down and shit. Mentorship
BRITHWIN
How old are you, fourth grade?
SAEKASH
6th, tard. I already have pubes and shit and you don’t
BRITHWIN
I’m 31.
SAEKASH
But your voice sounds like someone molested you still
…
BRITHWIN
Ok bud.
What do I need to do for you to get out of my way? My basic bow and one silver?
SAEKASH
You really are retarded dude I’m convinced—
BRITHWIN
My cousin has aspergers—
SAEKASH
Nobody cares dickwin the dicksuck
Heh
That was good
BRITHWIN
Dude. Saekash. Whoever you are.
I have this thing called a job. And a bedtime. I have a very small window of time to veg. I would like to enjoy that time. I know you don’t understand now, but you might someday. So for that someday, do you think you could let me cross?
SAEKASH
K
You just have to get mad first
BRITHWIN
I’m already mad.
SAEKASH
No like say real shit
Trash me
Cum on my troll titties with insults
It’s the only way you survive in this game
Get angry
Say it all
Shart into the wind
BRITHWIN
Saekash
SAEKASH
Do it
BRITHWIN
Are you a real person?
SAEKASH
Cum on me
BRITHWIN
Like do you actually exist as a real human being—?
SAEKASH
JUST FUCKING CUM ON ME
BRITHWIN
I feel bad for you.
I really do.
I bet you’re a sad kid. Without a lot of good role models around you.
And you live somewhere that sucks and your house sucks and the weather sucks and you’re overweight and nobody really loves you.
Especially your dad
Because
He fucked you so hard in the ass you decided to spend your whole formational years masquerading as a dirty taint licking troll you fucking illiterate country bumpkin
No wait
Wait
You probably don’t even have a fuckin dad
That’s why you’re so fucked up
So log off and go try to blow your six year old brother you share a bunk bed with and make sure to be extra loud about it so you don’t have to hear your older sister overdosing on fentanyl outside your double wide trailer and doesn’t want you to save her
…
C***
Silence. Saekash’s avatar has vanished. Brithwin looks around, then walks across the bridge.
He reaches the other side, and starts to walk towards the mine.
Boom.
Saekash reappears from thin air, picks up Brithwin, snaps him like a pretzel rod, and hurls him back across the river in two pieces.
Brithwin respawns back in a town center, miles from the bridge. Somehow, Saekash teleports with him:
SAEKASH
I said I wasn’t
But I kinda had to
BRITHWIN
No yeah. Yeah.
SAEKASH
I can teleport you to the mine if you want
BRITHWIN
I think I’m alright.
…
SAEKASH
Aight
Go slice some dragon vag
BRITHWIN
Thanks.
SAEKASH
I’ll see you around
Troll for life, ya know
...
BRITHWIN
Sure.
Troll for life.
Brithwin ventures off towards his quest. Saekash waits until he’s gone, then vanishes.
This time, he logs off.