The Critic
September 23rd, 2020
Starring: Reporter (30+), The Critic (45-55), Barista
A popular coffee chain. Reporter and The Critic have just sat down to a table.
THE CRITIC
Ok. Fire away.
REPORTER
You don’t need coffee?
THE CRITIC
It sucks here.
REPORTER
Oh
...
Do you mind if I record?
THE CRITIC
Go right ahead.
REPORTER
Thanks.
So…I was wondering about your philosophy.
THE CRITIC
My philosophy?
Hm. I don’t think I have one. Humans should be human. And all humans, regardless of whom, are owed some degree of feedback as to how they do what they do.
REPORTER
And out of that came the blog?
THE CRITIC
I couldn’t understand why certain individuals could make judgements without getting a subsequent judgment themselves.
REPORTER
Critics, you mean.
THE CRITIC
Mostly. Anyone dictating culture and attention.
REPORTER
So what’s your process? What does reviewing a review look like?
THE CRITIC
There’s not much to it. I read the review, then I write mine.
That's the biggest misconception, actually. I’m never reviewing the reviewer’s opinion of the thing in-review, or even the thing in-review. It’s an evaluation of the reviewer’s ability to articulate why the thing in-review is significant/insignificant, worthy of eyes and money/not worthy, etc. I’m baffled by how inconsistently that’s articulated.
REPORTER
What do you find instead?
THE CRITIC
Ego, disguised as fluff. Pandering. Like the media orgs that pay their bills, they have loyal readers to appease. They toe the line like the journalists do.
REPORTER
So what makes you different?
THE CRITIC
I’m an insurance agent. I don’t monetize my blog. I’m not even an art savant.
REPORTER
You don’t think you’re just another critic?
THE CRITIC
I am just another critic. I just happen to be the only critic critiquing what I critique.
REPORTER
And what if someone decides to review your review of a review?
THE CRITIC
I’d prefer it. Every doctor’s gotta have a doctor, you know?
…
I think anyone with a brain can be a critic. If people want to democratize public opinion, people have to realize that. If we leave it to five to ten well-read, cultured arbiters, nobody wins.
The Critic’s phone rings.
THE CRITIC
Shoot. That’s my daughter from driver’s ed. Give me a minute?
REPORTER
Take your time.
The Critic goes outside to take the call. Barista comes by with Reporter’s coffee:
BARISTA
Your macchiato.
REPORTER
Thank you.
Reporter takes a sip. Grimaces. Then another. The coffee does suck.