The Tenderizer
July 19th, 2020
Starring: Andrei (male, mid 20’s), Royce (male, 40’s)
A boxing gym. Andrei, a tall, hulking, chiseled Eastern European, is at the speed bag, working up a huge sweat. Royce enters, sleek and suited.
ROYCE
Andrei! My man! How goes it?
ANDREI
How goes? I don’t...
ROYCE
Sorry. How are you?
ANDREI
Oh. Yes, good.
ROYCE
You ready for the fight?
ANDREI
Yes. Training very good.
ROYCE
How’s that right hook looking?
ANDREI
Good. If I use, instant sleep.
ROYCE
That’s what I’m talking about!
I didn’t want to bother you too long in the middle of your session, but there’s something I wanted to run by you. Very quick, ok?
ANDREI
Ok.
ROYCE
So remember I told you I was trying to sniff out some sponsorship deals before the rumble?
ANDREI
Sponsor?
ROYCE
Yes, sponsors, exactly. So we weren’t having too much luck, remember?
ANDREI
No sponsor?
ROYCE
Yes, no sponsor before. But now...ok, just listen.
So things have been pretty quiet, yes, but I was at my Ma’s house the other night, and she was cooking dinner for me, like a good Ma does. And she was cooking steak. Beef. Cow, you know?
ANDREI
Ah, yes. Cow. Moo.
ROYCE
Uh-huh, moo. Dead moo.
But before she cooked the cow, she took this mallet thing, and started to smash the meat very hard. Bangbangbangbangbang! You get it?
ANDREI
Hammer?
ROYCE
Yes! Hammer! She hammered the meat.
ANDREI
Why?
ROYCE
She said it makes the meat softer. More yummy.
It’s called tenderizing.
ANDREI
Tenderize.
ROYCE
I know, cool word, am I right? So anyway, I saw the pounding, the bangbangbang, and I thought about Rocky. You know Rocky? With him punching the meat?
ANDREI
Yes.
ROYCE
And that made me think of you. So I got a little idea. So I called up a bud of mine at KitchenAid—
ANDREI
KitchenAid…?
ROYCE
Yes, and I told her about you, and I said “hey, my guy Andrei’s right hook is basically a human meat tenderizer, so how about we make a deal, huh? A little win-win action.”
ANDREI
So...sponsor?
ROYCE
My friend, you are the newest face of KitchenAid meat tenderizers. Photo shoot’s set for Wednesday, and you’ll be in your skivvies.
ANDREI
How much?
ROYCE
How much…?
ANDREI
Money. For deal?
ROYCE
Oh. Right now it’s just a brand association. You’ll be on their packaging, and we get free tenderizers for life.
ANDREI
No money?
ROYCE
Not right now. We’re playing the long game. Once you tenderize Petchchenko next weekend, we’re gonna have people begging us for deals. We’re talking Miele, LG, GE...Cuisinart. We’re gonna run the table on the kitchen table, I promise you. Got it?
ANDREI
...ok.
ROYCE
Groovy. Love it.
Royce’s phone buzzes.
ROYCE
Shoot, I gotta run.
You keep that training going, I’ll handle the rest.
Catch you later, k buddy?
ANDREI
Yes. Ok.
Royce leaves. Arno finds his cell phone and dials.
ANDREI (in Romanian)
Luca?
No I don’t need Gatorade.
I need you to go to the supermarket and buy all the meat you can.
Yes, cow. Big meat. Like Rocky.
Cost doesn’t matter, just buy it. And bring it straight here.
No. Luca, no. Stop asking questions.
...
I am the tenderizer.