Guac
October 26th, 2020
Starring: Ty (male, late 20’s/early 30’s), Rhiannon (female, late 20’s/early 30’s), Waiter
A Tex-Mex restaurant, evening. Ty and Rhiannon are sitting in the outdoor patio area. They each have a margarita.
TY
Sooo are we doing apps?
RHIANNON
I’m good. We already have chips.
TY
You don’t want anything? No guac?
RHIANNON
Nah.
TY
But...we always get guac.
RHIANNON
Eh, I’m not feeling it tonight. Too fatty.
TY
It’s healthy fat.
RHIANNON
Yeah, but...I always fill up on the chips and then I don’t have enough room for the fajitas.
TY
So we’ll have some leftovers. Nbd.
RHIANNON
No, I know. I just personally don’t need the guac tonight.
TY
I’m still getting some.
RHIANNON
Why?
TY
Because I want some. You can’t not get the guac here.
RHIANNON
Ok. I’m just not gonna have any.
TY
We’ll see when it comes.
RHIANNON
No, I already know I won’t.
TY
We’ll see.
RHIANNON
Nope.
Waiter comes by.
WAITER
Hey y’all, ready to order?
RHIANNON
Ummm yeah, I think.
WAITER
For you miss?
RHIANNON
I’ll have the chicken fajitas with no bell peppers please.
WAITER
Certainly. And you sir?
TY
Beef fajitas, extra onions please.
RHIANNON
Absolutely. Any appetizers while those tickets go in?
TY
Ahh, yes. We’ll have the fresh guacamole, please and thank you.
WAITER
Fresh guacamole? Yes sir, I’ll have that right out.
TY
Thank you.
Waiter leaves.
RHIANNON
What’s fresh guacamole?
TY
I don’t know...it’s fresh. You know, fresh avocados, fresh guac.
RHIANNON
As opposed to spoiled guac?
TY
Well, yeah. We wouldn’t want that.
RHIANNON
You’re being weird.
TY
Weird?
RHIANNON
Yeah. You’re all loosey goosey.
TY
What’s wrong with that? We’re outside, we got good weather, some tequila in our bloodstreams, guac on the way. You and me, our whole lives ahead of us!
Waiter brings by a hulking molcajete of guacamole, placing it in between them.
WAITER
Your fresh guac.
TY
Fantastic, thank you.
WAITER
Enjoy.
TY
We will!
Silence. Neither one takes chip.
RHIANNON
You’re not going to have any?
TY
I was waiting on you.
RHIANNON
I already said, I’m not on the guac train tonight.
TY
It’s still in the station.
RHIANNON
Nope.
TY
Doors are open.
RHIANNON
Express train, local stop, completely passed us.
TY
Doesn’t it look fresh though?
RHIANNON
It looks abnormally chunky.
TY
Come on. Not one little chipful?
RHIANNON
You’re not gonna convince me.
TY
Please?
RHIANNON
Great, now you’re begging—
TY
Please have one.
RHIANNON
Why?
TY
Just have one.
RHIANNON
Can you tell me why?
TY
Just have one.
RHIANNON
Babe—
TY
Just have one.
RHIANNON
I’m not having shit until you tell me why!
A few tables around them look over. Ty desperately looks Rhiannon in the eyes, lowering his voice:
TY
Babe.
I can’t.
I really can’t until you just—
Please
Please for all that’s holy have one chip with some guac on it.
Pause. The thought crosses Rhiannon’s mind:
RHIANNON
Oh
Oh my god are you—?
Ty just stares at her. Rhiannon slowly takes a chip and cautiously aims it towards the side of the guacamole mound. Ty tries to guide her.
TY
Wait
Closer to the top
A little higher
A little down
Now a little higher
There.
Rhiannon dips her chip in, pulling out a thick slab of guac. She stares at Ty, with a look that asks “are you really about to...?” He gives the slightest of nods. She puts the chip on her plate. From the guac, she unearths an engagement ring. Ty slides down to one knee. The whole patio area gasps and turns to watch. Waiter is off to the side, filming with Ty’s phone camera.
TY
Rhiannon.
I know that sometimes our relationship can feel like a mush. But love is mush. And I want to be in the mush with you for every last day of my life.
...
Will you marry me?
Rhiannon stares at the ring, poking out of the green, then to Ty.
RHIANNON
Yes.
Oh my god yes!
Ty wipes off the ring and places it on her finger. They kiss. The patio cheers, the avocado gods cry, and the fajitas sizzle.