Ham
December 25th, 2020
Starring: Liesl (female, 70-80) and Toni (female, 70-80)
Somewhere that’s warm during winter (think FL, AZ, TX). Sundown. Two balconies in a high rise apartment building. There is only a 3-5 ft gap between the two. Liesl sits on the far right side of her balcony, Toni sits on the far left side of her balcony. Liesl is looking into a large paper bag:
LIESL
I can’t tell which is which.
TONI
I thought we got the same thing
LIESL
I got light mayonnaise.
TONI
Oh ok
Liesl fishes two sub sandwiches (wrapped in butcher paper) out of the bag. She looks at one and squints:
LIESL
There’s some writing on this one.
TONI
What does it say?
LIESL
It’s chicken scratch.
TONI
Let me see.
Liesl hands the sandwich over the balcony gap. Toni stretches out to grab it.
TONI
I don’t know either.
LIESL
Hand it back, I’ll get my glasses—
TONI
Let’s just open them. We should be able to tell the mayo difference.
LIESL
Let’s see...
They each open up their sub.
LIESL
What do you think?
TONI
Hold it up?
Liesl holds up her sub, opening the face of the sandwich:
TONI
I see mayo on yours.
LIESL
Is there not on yours?
TONI
I don’t see any.
LIESL
Hold it up?
Toni holds up her sub, opening the face:
LIESL
Hm. No, I guess not.
TONI
You asked for light?
LIESL
Yes, but that’s ok. Better none than too much.
They do their best to repackage the subs, and perform another switch maneuver over the balcony:
TONI
Are you going to complain?
LIESL
Oh, it’s fine.
TONI
Sure, but you have a right to. They messed up the order.
LIESL
It’s mayo.
TONI
I know if I complain, sometimes they give me coupons.
LIESL
Really, it’s alright. The eggyness can get overwhelming for me anyways. And whatever poor soul making subs tonight deserves a break.
TONI
You ever thought you’d be having a ham sandwich for Christmas dinner?
LIESL
Never. But not the worst meal I’ve had. A few years ago my son-in-law tried some method from an internet video and let the roast roast too long. It was so charred, you couldn’t eat it.
TONI
No trust in your recipe?
LIESL
Not so much, I guess.
...
It’s nice having the space this year. They offered to jump through all these hoops to have me there. I told them no because of the circumstances, safety and all but...I just didn’t want to.
...
I’m not exactly proud of it, but it’s true.
TONI
You wanted the independence. Nothing to be ashamed of.
LIESL
But I wouldn’t want them to know. That I
And the kids—
TONI
You’ll see them.
LIESL
Who knows when—
TONI
On your time.
LIESL
Then I seem selfish.
TONI
Come off that. It’s not about them. What about you?
LIESL
What about me?
TONI
Do you need them?
LIESL
I love them—
TONI
Of course but do you need them? Shuttle you around, change your diapers?
LIESL
No…
TONI
Right, so live your life. Have one beyond one with them. While you can.
…
I don’t know, that’s just me. Just be glad they care.
LIESL
They do.
TONI
And I sound like a bitter old hag.
LIESL
A little.
TONI
Oh good.
LIESL
But I need it. I need you.
Someone.
Pause. Both of them dig into their subs. They look to the other for a verdict:
LIESL
Mm.
TONI
Pretty good.
LIESL
Pretty great.
The no mayo was a blessing.
TONI
Ham is ham.
LIESL
Ham is ham.
Still hits home.
They keep eating, in silence, as the sun sets.