Affairs
December 26th, 2020
Starring: Engineer 1, 2, 3 (all 30-40)
An airplane hangar, the converted office of the Engineers. There are tables set up around the space, filled with diagrams and plans, chalkboards covered in complex equations. Scattered around, there are a few sections of airplanes-wings, cockpits, exit rows. In the center of it all, the Engineers sit in a half circle. Engineer 1 holds an iPad:
ENGINEER 2
He knows this is a plane, right?
ENGINEER 3
Can you read what it says?
ENGINEER 1
I did.
ENGINEER 2
Like a thing that flies, in the air?
ENGINEER 3
I want to make sure I heard it right—
ENGINEER 1
The blueprint says “affair room.”
ENGINEER 2
Subtle—
ENGINEER 3
Are you sure it’s not “affairs room?” Like where he meets with his associates and stuff?
ENGINEER 1
Check the PDF. No s.
ENGINEER 2
He just got married!
ENGINEER 1
It’s a stunt. His wife’s probably got someone too. The only contracts these people follow are the ones that pay them.
ENGINEER 3
I’m sorry, but are land affairs not cool? They don’t cut it anymore?
ENGINEER 1
Not cooler than having one at 35 thousand feet. Plus if you’re flying over open ocean, no jurisdiction. You can do whatever you want with whoever you want.
ENGINEER 2
What, you think he’s into weird stuff?
ENGINEER 3
Define weird.
ENGINEER 1
Can we not—
ENGINEER 2
I don’t know like Epstein—?
ENGINEER 1
Heyheyhey—
ENGINEER 2
I’m just asking...
ENGINEER 3
Our phones listen to us—
ENGINEER 1
It doesn’t really matter what it’s used for, ok? We just have to build it.
ENGINEER 2
It says he wants it coming off the master bedroom.
ENGINEER 1
Right.
ENGINEER 3
There’s no space to build off the master.
ENGINEER 1
So I’m suggesting we knock down the far wall and build out from there.
ENGINEER 2
That exposes the cryo chamber—
ENGINEER 1
So we move the cryo chamber—
ENGINEER 3
We can’t. It has to be there to balance the weight.
ENGINEER 2
And rewiring all that would take a small village.
ENGINEER 1
Ok, so the cryo stays, and we knock down the art room.
ENGINEER 3
That’s an idea...
ENGINEER 2
Rewiring the alarms is going to be a bitch—
ENGINEER 1
It’s all going to be a bitch. It’s about which bitch is going to be more of a bitch.
ENGINEER 3
Hmm.
I don’t think the art room is enough space on its own.
ENGINEER 1
So then we tear down the South wall and combine it with the attendants quarters.
ENGINEER 2
Then where are the attendants going to sleep?
ENGINEER 1
I don’t know, they can get futons for them or something.
ENGINEER 2
Flight attendant futons??
ENGINEER 3
Where else is there room?
ENGINEER 1
There’s space.
ENGINEER 2
There is literally no space.
ENGINEER 1
Then we’ll make some.
ENGINEER 2
We built this thing custom. 16 months of our life on this baby, and now he wants it drawn and quartered? No. Nono. We should just tell him it’s impossible to customize a custom.
ENGINEER 1
You don’t tell him no.
ENGINEER 2
We tell him no.
Tell him we crunched the numbers, looked at the data, and think it’s a safety hazard.
ENGINEER 3
Got a point.
ENGINEER 1
We can’t.
ENGINEER 2
Right, that’s all we have to say.
ENGINEER 1
No, like we can’t.
ENGINEER 3
Why can’t we say we can’t?
ENGINEER 1
Because I already told him we can.
…
ENGINEER 2
By when?
ENGINEER 1
...the first.
Engineers 2 and 3 visibly deflate. Engineer 2 walks a slow lap around the room, breathing slowly. Engineer 3 fiddles with a pen.
ENGINEER 1
Just an outline for the plan. A treatment. That’s it.
…
Ok, so we’ll have to put in a little more time this week, but it’s not going to be that bad.
…
We’ve taken on harder stuff, right?
Engineer 2 walks towards the hangar exit. Engineer 3 follows:
ENGINEER 1
Remember the money? The money’s gonna be so good.
…
…
Where are y’all going?
ENGINEER 2
Home, to get my sleeping bag. And while I’m there, I’m telling my wife to find someone else to smooch on New Years Eve.
Engineer 2 walks out.
ENGINEER 3
He’ll calm down. Maybe by February.
ENGINEER 1
You should probably pack some stuff too.
…
Sorry. If you had plans.
ENGINEER 3
Not on you. I didn’t have much going on anyways.
...
Plus it’s work, what else is there to do?
ENGINEER 1
I don’t know.
Someday I’d like to find out.