Returns
December 27th, 2020
Starring: A & B
A hands gift box to B.
A
I know it’s a bit late but...blame UPS.
B
Oh man. Thank you!
B opens the box. It’s a nice can opener.
B
Oh. Not what I expected
A
I left the receipt on there, you can return it if you want.
B
You know it’s proven if you give someone the option to return something, you increase their chances of returning it by forty percent.
A
Well, sure. I want you to have the option.
B
In case what?
A
You don’t like it.
B
I like every gift I get. Even if I don’t like it.
A
Do you like it?
B
I love it. Because the gift is not the gift. Receiving the gift is the gift.
A
No and that’s really nice, but...I’ve been trying to find the right thing for you for months. And I saved up so...I kind of wanna know. If you like it.
B
I told you.
A
But do you like it? Like do you like it because you like it, or do you like it because you’re receiving it?
B
The reason I like it is because I’m receiving it.
A
So you hate it.
B
What?
A
You hate it, but you don’t want to make me sad, so you’re using the whole “the gift is the gift thing.”
B
But that is why I like it…
A
Fine, ok.
A picks up the box and lids it:
A
I’m returning it.
B
What?
You can’t return your own gift—
A
Sure I can, I bought it.
But I won’t. All you have to do is tell me you like it.
B
I did like fifty times!
A
You told me you liked it, but you never told me you liked it! And if you want your gift, I need you to tell me you like the material value of my gift. So do you or do you not?
…
B
I like it.
A
You like what?
B
I like the material value of your gift.
A smiles, then returns the box to B:
A
Thank you. Was that so hard?
B
No. But all that was part of my gift to you.
A
Wait...you got me a gift?
B
Sure did.
A
...what is it?
B
You just got it.
...
Did you not—?
A
um...no.
…
B
Perspective! I got you some perspective!
...
A
I don’t like the value of that.
B
Well, you have it.
A
I want to return it.
B
Do you have a receipt?
A
There is no receipt—
B
Yes there is. I just didn’t give it to you.
A stands and stares. They mime taking a wad of something out of their pocket, then throwing it back to B:
A
Here’s your perspective back.
A then mimes looking in their other pocket:
A
And oh wait look! I think I did find the receipt!
A pulls their hand out of their pocket, giving B the middle finger, then leaves. B watches A storm out, then goes to a cabinet and finds a can of chili. B tries the can opener on the can. It opens perfectly. B takes a spoonful and takes a bite. B smiles.