Swear
November 9th, 2020
Starring: Teen (13-15), Pastor Dad (male, 45-55)
The kitchen. Pastor Dad, wearing an apron over his clerical garment, is cooking dinner. Teen walks in, seeing what he’s cooking. Throughout the conversation, Pastor Dad remains calm, focused on the cooking:
TEEN
Are we ordering pizza tonight?
PASTOR DAD
No.
...
TEEN
Are we heating up frozen pizza tonight?
PASTOR DAD
No.
...
TEEN
Are we making pizza tonight?
PASTOR DAD
No.
…
TEEN
But it’s Monday.
PASTOR DAD
Yes.
TEEN
I thought it was pizza night.
PASTOR DAD
Actually, tonight is grilled fish with kale night.
…
…
TEEN
That’s bullshit.
PASTOR DAD
One.
TEEN
It’s bullshit.
PASTOR DAD
Two.
TEEN
It’s so so bullshit.
PASTOR DAD
Three.
TEEN
You know it’s bullshit.
PASTOR DAD
That’s four dollars in the swear jar.
TEEN
That’s even more bullshit.
PASTOR DAD
Five.
TEEN
God damn it.
Pastor Dad takes out a coffee can from on top of the fridge and puts it on the counter.
PASTOR DAD
We’re at 10 bucks now.
TEEN
10?!
PASTOR DAD
Five for every lord’s name in vain.
…
Go on, cough it up.
Teen begrudgingly grabs their wallet, finds a five and five ones, then stuffs the cash into the can.
TEEN
Where’s your swear jar?
PASTOR DAD
I didn’t swear.
TEEN
Is the fact we have pizza every Monday not a swear?
PASTOR DAD
Different kind of swear.
TEEN
A false swear.
Shouldn’t you have to pay for that?
PASTOR DAD
I am right now.
Teen stares, somewhat defeated. They leave to go to their room, then come back in a moment or two later:
TEEN
Just saying, if I really had a false swear jar, I’d have enough for my own house.
It’s not like your entire job is falsely swearing shit.
Teen takes out another dollar and puts it in the can, as if it’s a mic drop, then goes to their room. Pastor Dad stays silently cooking, literally turning the other cheek. Once he hears Teen’s door close:
PASTOR DAD
Little shit.