USS Mosquito
October 13th, 2020
Starring: Sailor 1, 2, 3
A submarine control room. Sailor 1 & 2 are sitting around, playing cards. Suddenly, Sailor 1 grabs their ear.
SAILOR 1
Ahh!
SAILOR 2
What?
SAILOR 1
I just felt a mosquito in my ear.
SAILOR 2
You can’t be serious.
SAILOR 1
I felt a buzz.
SAILOR 2
We haven’t resurfaced in two weeks. When would it have gotten in?
SAILOR 1
Two weeks ago.
SAILOR 2
A mosquito can’t live that long.
SAILOR 1
They’re resilient little dudes, they’d find a way—
SAILOR 2
They’re mindless bloodsuckers, not Bear Grylls.
SAILOR 1
Then why was there one in and out of my ear?
SAILOR 2
I feel a lot of things that aren’t there.
SAILOR 1
Like what?
SAILOR 2
My lover’s touch.
SAILOR 1
Ew
SAILOR 2
I’m just saying. You might be losing it.
SAILOR 1
No way. There’s a mosquito down here, and it’s going to get us all if we don’t get it first.
SAILOR 2
I’ll believe it when I see it.
SAILOR 1
Maybe you can’t see it, and you’re the one losing it.
SAILOR 2
I don’t see a bite.
SAILOR 1
Maybe your brain doesn’t want you to see it. That’s why I have it, and you’ve lost it.
SAILOR 2
Thinking you have it proves you’ve lost it.
SAILOR 1
Now you’re being the mosquito!
SAILOR 2
I’m the mosquito? You’ve just sucked out the sanity I have left!
SAILOR 1
You’ve already sucked out my sanity, so you’re the mosquito!
...
SAILOR 2
Maybe we’ve both lost it.
SAILOR 1
Yeah. Maybe we have.
…
After a long pause, they go back to the card game. Then, suddenly, Sailor 1 whacks Sailor 2 upside the head.
SAILOR 2
WHAT WAS THAT FOR????
SAILOR 1
I SAW IT! RIGHT THERE, NEXT TO YOUR EAR!
SAILOR 2
YOU JUST WANTED TO HIT ME!
SAILOR 1
I HAVE TO SMITE IT!
Sailor 1 swings at Sailor 2 again. Sailor 2 ducks and runs away, shouting into an intercom radio as Sailor 1 gives chase.
SAILOR 2
HELP! MAYDAY!
SAILOR 3 (voice)
Someone say mayday?
SAILOR 2
MAYDAY! I’M BEING MISTAKEN FOR A MOSQUITO!
Sailor 1 swings at Sailor 2 again. Sailor 1 catches up and tackles Sailor 2 to the floor, as they both struggle to shout into the radio:
SAILOR 1
DON’T LISTEN! THERE IS A MOSQUITO!
SAILOR 3 (voice)
What about de Niro?
SAILOR 1
NOT DE NIRO! MOSQUITO!
SAILOR 2
THERE IS NO MOSQUITO!
SAILOR 3 (voice)
Torpedo?
SAILOR 1
NO! MOSQUITO! A WILD MOSQUITO!
SAILOR 3 (voice)
Fire torpedo?
SAILOR 2
THEY’RE LYING! THEY’RE LYING ABOUT MOSQUITOS!
SAILOR 3 (voice)
Order confirmed. Firing all torpedoes.
SAILOR 2
WAIT—
SAILOR 1
WHAT—?
SAILOR 1/SAILOR 2
NOOOOOOO!