The Funnel
January 18th, 2021
Starring: Tuber (10-12), Lifeguard (18-25)
A water park. The entrance platform to “The Funnel,” the park’s tallest and wildest attraction. It’s a long enclosed slide, which then dumps out into a wide circular fish bowl:
At the top, there’s a short line of gawky teens coming up and going down. Lifeguard directs the stop and go, lazily. When the last in line goes, all is quiet. Lifeguard pulls out their phone.
Bounding up the stairs comes Tuber. Short, ultra-hyper, and dragging an inner-tube, beelining towards the entrance. Tuber has done The Funnel at least eight times in the last half hour. Lifeguard sees Tuber approaching, putting down their phone.
LIFEGUARD (under breath)
Ohmygod
Tuber puts their inner-tube down near the slide’s mouth, looking up at Lifeguard:
TUBER
Can I go?
LIFEGUARD
Holdonholdon.
How many times is this?
TUBER
I lost count.
LIFEGUARD
Does your Mom know where you are?
TUBER
My Mom’s dead.
LIFEGUARD
shi—um
I’m sorry
TUBER
Jk, she’s not. She’s just at the hospital.
LIFEGUARD
Is she ok?
TUBER
Yeah but my Uncle isn’t. He’s gonna die soon.
LIFEGUARD
..oh
TUBER
It’s gonna be the first big death in my life.
She thinks I can’t handle it so she told my neighbor to distract me here.
LIFEGUARD
...are you having fun?
TUBER
Yeah this place is awesome. But it’s not distracting me.
LIFEGUARD
Well
Maybe it’s ok. To not think about all that stuff.
TUBER
But trying to not to think about it only makes me think about it.
Like going down The Funnel all I think about is death. How it’s sucking me down a dark hole, sliding towards this tiny light at the end. And I have no power so I have to let go.
The first few times it hurt and kind of scary. But now I don’t. I feel like...extra alive. And all I want to do is keep doing it.
…
…
Can I go backwards this time?
LIFEGUARD
No.
TUBER
Please?!
LIFEGUARD
No!
uh
Hey. I know how hard this can be. Especially the first time.
There’s pain and anger and freedom and so much other stuff wrapped up at once. It can really mess with you.
Like
I remember when my Dad—
TUBER
Cool but can I just go?
Feet first I promise
...
LIFEGUARD
Sure.
Just be careful, ok? Please?
TUBER
yeah ok.
Tuber hasn’t really been listening. They’ve been given the thumbs up, and that’s all that matters. They plop onto their tube, holding onto the side bars. They swing their arms forward and back a few times, gaining maximum momentum. In a blur, they’re gone, accidentally kicking back some water onto Lifeguard.
TUBER
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The sound reverberates through the tunnel. Lifeguard wipes off a few droplets from their face. Maybe it’s water, maybe it’s tears. Hit with the impulse, they call out down the tube:
LIFEGUARD
LIFE IS PRECIOUSSSSSSSS!
There’s no response. Only the fading echoes of Tuber’s whooping.