Daddy Issues
June 21st, 2020
Starring: Dad 1, Dad 2 (male, 30’s)
The Dads are on a bench, overlooking a playground. The weather is nice.
DAD 1
You headed anywhere for the holiday?
DAD 2
We’re at the in-laws. Biggest lawn wins. You hosting again this year?
DAD 1
Nah. Amy’s gotta work actually. Succulent startups can’t run themselves.
DAD 2
Right. Grind never stops, does it?
DAD 1
Apparently.
…
DAD 1
Can I ask you something?
DAD 2
Yeah, shoot.
DAD 1
How do you discipline your kid?
DAD 2
Did you say discipline?
DAD 1
Yeah. Like when you punish RJ, what works?
DAD 2
Um
Well usually I try to stay away from
DAD 1
Punishing?
DAD 2
Punishing, discipline, all that.
DAD 1
So what happens when RJ’s a little dick?
DAD 2
U...usually he’s not.
DAD 1
What do you do when he throws tantrums?
DAD 2
We try to sit him down and talk. Positive reinforcement.
DAD 1
No yeah, that’s great. That’s great.
…
I just feel like words only get you up to a certain point.
DAD 2
So...you...you use your hands?
DAD 1
What? No. I’d never do that. Hell no.
But there are like those certain moments where I’m like what are words going to actually teach you?
For example like yesterday afternoon Cecil went nuts because I mixed in the powdered cheese “the wrong way” into the macaroni. We’re talking off the wall bananas. He’s screaming at me. Just...pure anger.
And all I wanted to do in that moment was sit him in a linen closet with a stack of paper times tables and a flashlight until he got the picture. Because he probably would.
Honestly I don’t know if other people feel like that.
DAD 2
Yeah well...yeah Tara and I usually value a communication...a more communicative route.
DAD 1
Aight. Good to know.
…
We still on for poker next week?
DAD 2
Should be. I’ll shoot out a text after the weekend.
DAD 1
Sounds good.
His phone rings.
Oop, that’s Amy. Will you watch Cecil for a sec?
Dad 2 gives him the thumbs up. Dad 1 exits. Dad 2 pulls out his phone and dials. It rings on speaker phone.
OPERATOR VOICE
“911, what is your emergency?”
Dad 2 is about to say something, but freezes.
DAD 2
Um…
Sorry I apologize. Everything’s ok. I misdialed.
Very sorry again for the inconvenience.
Bye now.
He puts the phone down and watches Cecil playing. He feels sick.