The Stick Up
May 6th, 2020
Starring: Bully and Dweeb (male, middle school)
Dweeb is riding his bike home from school. Young and wild and free.
From out of nowhere, Bully appears, stopping Dweeb in his tracks.
BULLY
Hey dorkbrain.
DWEEB (sighs)
Come on, man. I already gave you my lunch money.
BULLY
And now I want your Schwinn.
DWEEB
You can’t have it.
BULLY
I can’t?
DWEEB
Yeah. I could ride past you if I wanted to.
BULLY
With what? Those wet manicotti you call legs?
DWEEB
Ok that was actually pretty cultured—
BULLY
I know my pasta, nerdbreath. Now hop off before I make you hop off.
Dweeb stays on his bike, proudly.
Feeling brave huh? You sure about that?
DWEEB
Do your worst.
BULLY
Heheh. Oh trust me, I will.
Bully chuckles, walking slowly over to Dweeb, cracking his knuckles.
BULLY
You know what I’m gonna do?
First, I’m going to steal this bike.
Second, I’m going to ride it two blocks to my house and park it in my garage.
Third, I’m going to clean it and polish it and make sure the tires are full of air.
Fourth, I’m going to take my Dad’s work cell phone and take a bunch of high quality images from a variety of alluring angles.
Fifth, I’m going to post those images onto free online marketplaces at a slightly-above average price and wait for the same versions of the bike to be sold at the lower prices, leaving mine as the next-most affordable, but still above average price.
Sixth, I sell the bike and receive my payment through a certified bank check, then deposit it into a general checking account, then move those funds to a brokerage account.
Seventh, I wait until the market has a particularly dismal trading week, then purchase shares of a low-cost, high dividend mutual fund that follows the S&P 500.
Eighth, I don’t touch the money. For years. And years. And years.
Ninth, in 50 years, those shares will have compounded, netting me enough money to retire with my partner and children to the countryside.
And tenth, I live happily off the land until I die of natural causes with a fully tricked out will.
…
pussy.
Bully shoves Dweeb to the ground, steals the bike, and rides off. Dweeb watches him go.
DWEEB
You know what? I’m not even mad.