Beneficiary
August 28th, 2020
Starring: Insurer, Assured
An insurance office. Assured enters and walks to the desk of Insurer.
INSURER
Hello.
How may I assist you today?
ASSURED
Hello.
I would like to buy one insurance please.
INSURER
Certainly. What are you looking to insure?
ASSURED
My life.
INSURER
Excellent choice. We’d be happy to draw you up a policy.
Insurer pulls out a thick stack of paper and a pen.
INSURER
How many beneficiaries do you plan to list?
ASSURED
Just one.
INSURER
Would you mind listing their name here?
Insurer pushes the paper over. Assured scrawls something on the top page and pushes it back.
INSURER
Sorry your handwriting it’s...did you write “me?”
ASSURED
Yes. My beneficiary is me.
…
INSURER
I’m sorry...I’m afraid that’s not how this works.
ASSURED
I’d still like it, if that’s possible.
INSURER
Do you have a different beneficiary? Someone that’s not you?
ASSURED
None come to mind.
INSURER
Then it’s rather unnecessary. May I suggest a different policy?
ASSURED
I’d really like life insurance.
INSURER
I can’t give you life insurance.
ASSURED
But if my life’s not insured, that means no one is relying on me.
INSURER
Yes...
ASSURED
But I would like to be relied on. And the only way I’ll feel motivated to have people rely on me is if I feel like I’m already relied on.
INSURER
And you’ll pay a premium for that?
ASSURED
Whatever it takes.
I get the feeling of responsibility, and you pay out nothing if I die prematurely.
Really a win-win, if you think about it.
Will you think about it?
Insurer thinks.
INSURER
I think we can make an exception. But you can’t have yourself listed as beneficiary.
Would you like to suggest another name? A charity, even?
ASSURED
How about: “The Self Esteem Foundation?”
INSURER
That will work.
Sign here, and you’re all set.
Insurer pushes the stack back over. Assured signs.
ASSURED
Well
They say you can’t put a value on life.
But I just did.
INSURER
We just did.
ASSURED
Yes.
Thank you for the exception. I won’t let you down.
INSURER
Not a problem.
Have a nice life.
ASSURED
You...you really mean it?
INSURER
I do.
I really do.