Generic
August 15th, 2020
Starring: Tester, Scientist 1 & Scientist 2 (1 much older than 2)
A lab. Tester is blindfolded, holding a spoon. In front of them are two identical bowls containing two identical looking cereals. The Scientists look on, holding clipboards.
SCIENTIST 1
You may begin.
Tester digs into the bowl in front of them and takes a few spoonfuls.
TESTER
I think it’s—
SCIENTIST 1
Would you mind reserving all comments until testing is complete?
TESTER
Oh.
Whoops.
SCIENTIST 2
There’s water to cleanse your palate.
Tester finds the cup, drinks and gargles. Scientist 2 pushes the second bowl in front of them.
SCIENTIST 1
Whenever you’re ready.
Tester digs in. The same process. Scientist 2 pushes the bowl off to the side.
SCIENTIST 2
You can take the blinder off now.
Tester does so.
SCIENTIST 1
Do you notice any visual differences between the samples?
TESTER
Um, no, not really.
SCIENTIST 1
Did you notice any textural differences between the samples?
TESTER
I don’t think so...
SCIENTIST 1
Did you notice any olfactory differences between the samples?
TESTER
...olfactory?
SCIENTIST 2
Smells.
TESTER
Oh. Nope, not really.
SCIENTIST 1
And did you notice any flavoral differences between the samples?
TESTER
Um
Yeah, kind of.
SCIENTIST 1
You...you did?
TESTER
Yeah. The first one had a better taste.
SCIENTIST 1
Could you explain why?
TESTER
Yeah I mean...I don’t know. The chocolate, it just tasted better.
It was like... Earthier.
SCIENTIST 2
Earthier?
TESTER
Yeah. Like…”part of this complete breakfast.”
You know?
…
…
Did I say the wrong thing or something?
SCIENTIST 1
Not at all. We appreciate your honest feedback.
SCIENTIST 2
They’ll cut you a check on the way out.
TESTER
Cool.
Thanks.
Tester leaves the room. The Scientist 1 slams down their clipboard.
SCIENTIST 1
God damn it.
SCIENTIST 2
That’s just one opinion.
SCIENTIST 1
We’re starting over.
SCIENTIST 2
29 other people said they tasted the exact same.
SCIENTIST 1
Or maybe 29 other people’s sense of taste is wrong, and we really did make a superior version.
SCIENTIST 2
But—
SCIENTIST 1
The generic brand needs to be the generic brand. We can’t have the generic brand be better than the name brand!
SCIENTIST 2
Maybe it’s a good thing. Quality is good business.
SCIENTIST 1
Jesus. You don’t listen.
The goal isn’t to start a better brand. The goal is to copy the original brand, put it in different packaging, make it on cheaper margins, slightly alter the name, and sell the daylights out of it at a lower price. We don’t innovate here. You want to be an innovator? Go ask General Mills for a job. Just don’t fuck with mine. Capisce?
SCIENTIST 2
Uh-huh.
…
So we just have to make it less good?
SCIENTIST 1
Let’s start on the chocolate. I want people saying this shit’s artificial, not Earthy.
SCIENTIST 2
I’m on it.
…
All in a day’s work, huh?
SCIENTIST 1
Sure kid.
...
Now let’s get to it.