Pinch
August 2nd, 2020
Starring: Newlywed 1, Newlywed 2
The dinner table, set for two. On each plate is a steamed lobster. Newlywed 2 sits at the table, waiting for Newlywed 1, who’s in the bathroom.
NEWLYWED 1 (voice)
Hon?
NEWLYWED 2
Hm?
…
You good?
NEWLYWED 1 (voice)
Nevermind!
Newlywed 1 comes out of the bathroom and walks past the dinner table, into the kitchen.
NEWLYWED 1
I hope you’re not waiting for me to start.
NEWLYWED 2
I was waiting on the sauce.
And you.
NEWLYWED 1 (voice)
Sauce is right in front of you.
I think.
NEWLYWED 2
Oh. Whoops it is.
NEWLYWED 1 (voice)
Go ahead.
NEWLYWED 2
We gotta do it together. It’s a together thing.
NEWLYWED 1 (voice)
Coming!
Newlywed 1 finally comes to the table and sits. They start to dig in. Newlywed 2 is clearly more well versed, cracking open the shells and sucking out the meat with glee and ease. It’s messy and beautiful. Newlywed 1 stares more than eats.
NEWLYWED 2
You know what’s nutty? These things are bugs. Their animalian classification is a bug. Did you know that?
NEWLYWED 1
I didn’t.
NEWLYWED 2
I didn’t believe it when I heard it. But it’s funny. They’re just these little sea bugs crawling over the ocean floor.
…
…
Did that mess with you?
NEWLYWED 1
No. Actually my stomach’s been a mess all day.
NEWLYWED 2
I’m sorry.
NEWLYWED 1
Do you want this?
NEWLYWED 2
I mean, if you’re not going to have it.
NEWLYWED 1
No please, have it.
Newlywed 1 passes over their lobster. Newlywed 2 quickly dismantles the second lobster.
NEWLYWED 2
You sure you don’t want a little piece of the tail?
NEWLYWED 1
I promise.
Newlywed 2 finishes the second lobster.
NEWLYWED 1
Good?
NEWLYWED 2
Amazing.
Thank you.
NEWLYWED 1
My pleasure.
…
…
So
I wanted to say
…
I found a crab
NEWLYWED 2
Crab
Like at the store?
NEWLYWED 1
No
Like the lice
NEWLYWED 2
...where?
NEWLYWED 1
In the bathroom.
But I mean...yeah
It was down there.
NEWLYWED 2
...how would that happen?
NEWLYWED 1
I don’t know.
Obviously I haven’t been—
NEWLYWED 2
No I know
NEWLYWED 1
But if I found one
You might
NEWLYWED 2
I’ll have a look too.
NEWLYWED 1
Yeah.
That was a bad time to—
NEWLYWED 2
Well
I don’t think there’s ever a good time to—
NEWLYWED 1
There really isn’t is there
…
NEWLYWED 2
I’ll take care of the dishes.
NEWLYWED 1
You sure?
NEWLYWED 2
You cooked.
NEWLYWED 1
Ok.
We’ll figure this out.
NEWLYWED 2
Of course we will. We’re fine. Go relax.
Newlywed 1 nods and retreats to the bedroom. Newlywed 2 stares at the lobster remains on the plate.
NEWLYWED 2
Mother fuck.