Order
December 11th, 2020
Starring: Marlena (female, early 30’s)
A university lecture hall, empty. Marlena stands in front of a blank chalkboard. She stifles a massive yawn.
MARLENA
Sorry.
My triplets turned seven months old this week. Somehow, crossing this threshold’s turned them into a nightmarish supervillain trio determined to wreak havoc on the fabric of our lives. My husband and I are lucky, but we’re exhausted. We’re also PhD candidates in applied mathematics, and it pains us that for supposed problem solvers, we’re not solving squat.
Until last Thursday. First cries at 3am. The other two followed suit, because FOMO. We slid out of bed to assess the damage. There was a lot.
Up to then, my husband and I’s triage had resorted to whack-a-mole. A quick and dirty method in the moment, but an ineffective form of parenting in the long run. Looking down on the mess that morning, it occurred to me that there was no answer. Babies defy math. Yet, as my husband reminded me, nothing defies logic. Even if there was no answer, there was an opportunity for a better solution. Some order amidst the chaos.
As our babies bawled below us, we brainstormed, scrounging for a formula. None fit. I was starting to think even babies defied logic.
Then a thought. Some sleep-deprived flash of an idea.
Marlena writes on the chalkboard:
P
E
M
D
A
S
MARLENA
First, the equation of the situation:
She writes out the following:
Have The Sniffles × (Stinky × Angry)³ ÷ No Games + Crib Discomfort − No Napping
MARLENA
Then the application. With our twist:
She adds:
P-Poop
E-Eat
M-Mommy
D-Daddy
A-Argie, Abel, & Agoo
S-Sleep
After each following step, she solves the corresponding section of the equation:
MARLENA
Step one: Parentheses. The stink means they’ve gone, the anger means they’re sitting in it. We handle that first.
Step two: Exponents. Everyone’s hangry, and thank god I pumped enough for three bottles.
Step three: Multiplication, handled by Mama. Each gets a nice burping session after their meal.
Step four: Division, courtesy of Dada. A few games of peek-a-boo, and everyone’s laughing.
Step five: Addition. We add their knit blankies to the crib.
Step six: Subtract all last little discomforts. One passes out, and the others fall in line.
It worked. The best four hours of sleep we’ve ever had.
No matter how heady math gets, it’s still about the basics. Not seeking the answers, but finding solutions. The ways of thought that can change your life.
…
Anyways.
On to finding vectors.